Today at the park my ex said he wasted the first 40 years of his life. How dare he. Living through one difficult period in life does not constitute 40 years of life experience. His parents are wonderful people who worked hard to give him a safe and happy upbringing. He went to top-rated universities for undergraduate and graduate school. He has traveled and seen more of the world in the past 20 years than most people see in a lifetime. Finally, he wanted and has 2 beautiful children who need a positive role model--not an excuse-generating, negative, bitter parent.
I believe my ex's fatalist attitude is what keeps my ex in his state of depression. He won't seek help and refuses to talk to his family. At the end of the day, if he does not face his issues and begin to cope in some way, his issues will never be resolved. At best, his issues will be buried.
I use the word "issues" often because my ex went through 3 years of career confusion, online gaming addiction, responding to craigslist personal adds, recklessly spending money, and a long-distance affair. This is simply a short-list, but it is not difficult to understand the complexity of his troubles. He got lost in an ocean and does not know how to find land.
To go through a few years of difficulty and to react to circumstances instead of coping can lead to big life changes. I believe there is also a big attitude adjustment that comes about as well--positive or negative, just not neutral. When my ex said he wasted 40 years of his life, i believe he is experiencing a negative outcome to a few bad years of life and not using his experiences as a a catalyst for positive growth. Unfortunately, the nexus of a few difficult life episodes left him grieving for himself and then becoming narcissistic. The end result is no good memories about the past and only self-gratification as a source of happiness for the future.
If he would do the work to move out of this dark point in life, he might see some light in the months and years ahead. Unfortunately, this work is not easy. It involves introspection and a review of potentially difficult questions about self-image. I hope one day, my ex realizes that he does have a choice in creating a better future and that his past was a growing experience toward building a better future.
Showing posts with label failed relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label failed relationship. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Find an ounce of happiness one day to be happier the next
Recovering from a bad relationship is like traveling on a long, jagged road that takes weeks or months to travel before the road ahead straightens. It's an exhaustive journey that you never really expect to travel. One way to survive the daily mire is to find or do something that makes you happy.
For me, happiness comes from time spent with family and friends. Every time I have dinner with a friend or do something with my kids, I feel a little better about myself and how my life is progressing. This gives me a little reinforcement that happier times are ahead and that there are other paths to achieving what I want out of life. My last relationship was not the end.
Every person has a different experience of happiness and finding that source of happiness will make surviving a bad relationship go faster. Try focusing on small things that are easy to achieve. Some ideas to consider are:
1. Go to dinner at a new restaurant. Use this as an opportunity ti try making small changes in your life.
2. Have a sleepover at a friend's house. A mini vacation without the cost of a hotel.
3. Try a new class in something different. Consider trying a dance class or jewelry-making course.
4. Join a book club. Book clubs offer the opportunity to discuss different topics of interest and explore how those topics relate back to your life.
5. Get a new hair style. A new haircut can quickly give you a new image. If you don't like the style, it simply grows out.
6. Talk to a stranger while waiting in line. Consider striking up a conversation with someone in a Starbucks line. You meet a variety of different people and gain confidence in your social skills.
Building happiness into your everyday life will jumpstart you to moving beyond a broken relationship.
For me, happiness comes from time spent with family and friends. Every time I have dinner with a friend or do something with my kids, I feel a little better about myself and how my life is progressing. This gives me a little reinforcement that happier times are ahead and that there are other paths to achieving what I want out of life. My last relationship was not the end.
Every person has a different experience of happiness and finding that source of happiness will make surviving a bad relationship go faster. Try focusing on small things that are easy to achieve. Some ideas to consider are:
1. Go to dinner at a new restaurant. Use this as an opportunity ti try making small changes in your life.
2. Have a sleepover at a friend's house. A mini vacation without the cost of a hotel.
3. Try a new class in something different. Consider trying a dance class or jewelry-making course.
4. Join a book club. Book clubs offer the opportunity to discuss different topics of interest and explore how those topics relate back to your life.
5. Get a new hair style. A new haircut can quickly give you a new image. If you don't like the style, it simply grows out.
6. Talk to a stranger while waiting in line. Consider striking up a conversation with someone in a Starbucks line. You meet a variety of different people and gain confidence in your social skills.
Building happiness into your everyday life will jumpstart you to moving beyond a broken relationship.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Excessive Flirting Is Not OK!
Over the past week, I found out that my ex excessively flirted with female friends during the last few years at parties we had at our home. The most recent flirt was with a female friend who was visiting from out-of-town--a woman I'll call K. According to guests at the party, K and my ex were rubbing toes under the table or K was sitting in my ex's lap for a good part of the night. Apparently, a number of friends saw this behavior and were disgusted because my ex was still "happily married" at the time. Had I known about this incident, this event would have been the warning that my ex needed to go.
My ex thought there was nothing wrong with this behavior. He said he sometimes flirted--which includes a little feeling around--when he drank. I did not know what to think at first. I was a little surprised because I don't consider this appropriate behavior if in a committed relationship. I also thought that this behavior was degrading to anyone in a committed relationship. My rule for this situation would be no groping outside the relationship.
I realize that everyone is different in what's deemed acceptable flirting. Sometimes, an arm over the shoulder or a small comment may fine. For some people, the act of a significant other sitting on a another person's lap is fine. But where is the line drawn on innocent flirting? When does flirting transition to a pick-up? For me, this definitely includes "copping a feel" of another person's private areas-- a rather obvious place to draw the line. But I also think excessive time spent on the phone or IM may also go too far. In today's world, this is one way to start a relationship based on emotional connection first followed by physical connection. Everyone has their own boundaries about flirting when in a relationship, but flirting should have some boundaries.
Excessive flirting with others outside of a relationship can be hurtful. Why be in a relationship if the desire is to seek out other people? Being in a relationship should mean being committed to another person and only to that person. If there are issues that lead to flirting, deal with the issues first before going too far. This will solve years of future pain and suffering.
To me, flirting is disrespectful. My expectation of a partner is for that person to want to be with me over other people. I expect this choice to be a conscientious choice not made lightly. I understand that the world have millions of people and therefore, millions of choices. If my partner has the choice of being with me, then I expect my partner to respect me and let me know when there are issues. I also expect my partner to have some restraint even when attracted to another person. Restraint in certain behaviors and open communication are two symbols of being respectful. Excessive flirting violates the respect of a committed relationship.
I can't change my past relationship with my ex. I can only carry on what I have learned to a future relationship. One lesson will be I do not tolerate excessive flirting.
My ex thought there was nothing wrong with this behavior. He said he sometimes flirted--which includes a little feeling around--when he drank. I did not know what to think at first. I was a little surprised because I don't consider this appropriate behavior if in a committed relationship. I also thought that this behavior was degrading to anyone in a committed relationship. My rule for this situation would be no groping outside the relationship.
I realize that everyone is different in what's deemed acceptable flirting. Sometimes, an arm over the shoulder or a small comment may fine. For some people, the act of a significant other sitting on a another person's lap is fine. But where is the line drawn on innocent flirting? When does flirting transition to a pick-up? For me, this definitely includes "copping a feel" of another person's private areas-- a rather obvious place to draw the line. But I also think excessive time spent on the phone or IM may also go too far. In today's world, this is one way to start a relationship based on emotional connection first followed by physical connection. Everyone has their own boundaries about flirting when in a relationship, but flirting should have some boundaries.
Excessive flirting with others outside of a relationship can be hurtful. Why be in a relationship if the desire is to seek out other people? Being in a relationship should mean being committed to another person and only to that person. If there are issues that lead to flirting, deal with the issues first before going too far. This will solve years of future pain and suffering.
To me, flirting is disrespectful. My expectation of a partner is for that person to want to be with me over other people. I expect this choice to be a conscientious choice not made lightly. I understand that the world have millions of people and therefore, millions of choices. If my partner has the choice of being with me, then I expect my partner to respect me and let me know when there are issues. I also expect my partner to have some restraint even when attracted to another person. Restraint in certain behaviors and open communication are two symbols of being respectful. Excessive flirting violates the respect of a committed relationship.
I can't change my past relationship with my ex. I can only carry on what I have learned to a future relationship. One lesson will be I do not tolerate excessive flirting.
Friday, August 10, 2007
What to Do When the Ex Plans His New Next Life
It may be inevitable. The person you married has moved on and is making new commitments while you are still coping with the aftermath of a break-up. Your ex may be planning on moving in with someone else or even relocating to a new city for the new significant other? What do you do?
First, if you are in the middle of separation or divorce paperwork, see if there are any issues with the legal process. In many states, both parties may be required to complete certain paperwork before a move is possible. If there are kids involved, this could mean amending any existing child custody agreement. Talking to a legal professional is a great way to prepare for this scenario.
Second, make sure you have copies of necessary personal information like date of birth, social security number, credit card numbers, and recent pay stubs. This type of information makes it easier to track someone as they set up a new residence or look for new employment. Even go so far as to have an up-to-date photograph of the person in case his or her appearance has changed over time.
Third, mentally prepare for this event in some way. If you are fortunate enough to have been the one ending the relationship, then this may not be a difficult step. For the rest of us however who were caught off-guard, this event will take time. Sometimes, you can deal with this event simply by talking to friends or family. Other times, it may take talking to a counselor. I have even known some people who took a year off to travel because of the need to use distance as space to heal. Whatever pain you feel will soften over time. To me, the biggest lever to preparing is time. Six months of time to gradually cope will leave you more prepared to move on than a two-week intensive boot-camp experience.
Fourth, find ways that you can move forward even if this means forcing your hand. Go out with friends more often to dinner or to other social venues. Think about what type of partner you see yourself with in the future. Take an online personality quiz and see how you fare, There are many ways you can move forward even if it's one step at a time.
As for me, I know that my ex has been dropping hints for a few months that he wants to move on with a life that includes a new significant other. He has been saying things like "I can't afford to live here anymore." or "I may need to live with a roommate you won't like." His inability to be subtle in his comments or actions makes it easier for me to see where he stands. Oddly enough, this behavior has helped me to gain perspective and prepare for whatever may come next.
First, if you are in the middle of separation or divorce paperwork, see if there are any issues with the legal process. In many states, both parties may be required to complete certain paperwork before a move is possible. If there are kids involved, this could mean amending any existing child custody agreement. Talking to a legal professional is a great way to prepare for this scenario.
Second, make sure you have copies of necessary personal information like date of birth, social security number, credit card numbers, and recent pay stubs. This type of information makes it easier to track someone as they set up a new residence or look for new employment. Even go so far as to have an up-to-date photograph of the person in case his or her appearance has changed over time.
Third, mentally prepare for this event in some way. If you are fortunate enough to have been the one ending the relationship, then this may not be a difficult step. For the rest of us however who were caught off-guard, this event will take time. Sometimes, you can deal with this event simply by talking to friends or family. Other times, it may take talking to a counselor. I have even known some people who took a year off to travel because of the need to use distance as space to heal. Whatever pain you feel will soften over time. To me, the biggest lever to preparing is time. Six months of time to gradually cope will leave you more prepared to move on than a two-week intensive boot-camp experience.
Fourth, find ways that you can move forward even if this means forcing your hand. Go out with friends more often to dinner or to other social venues. Think about what type of partner you see yourself with in the future. Take an online personality quiz and see how you fare, There are many ways you can move forward even if it's one step at a time.
As for me, I know that my ex has been dropping hints for a few months that he wants to move on with a life that includes a new significant other. He has been saying things like "I can't afford to live here anymore." or "I may need to live with a roommate you won't like." His inability to be subtle in his comments or actions makes it easier for me to see where he stands. Oddly enough, this behavior has helped me to gain perspective and prepare for whatever may come next.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I Won't Rescue A Non-Existent Relationship
TheRescueMarriage.com has an article entitled "Improve Marriage Tips." Once upon a time in my formerly married life, I spent time looking for advice and ideas such as those contained in this article to improve my marriage, but found out that all the advice had underlying assumptions. For examples, relationship advice makes sense if you believe you marriage is salvageable, but not if your choice is salvage yourself or salvage your relationship. Or it does not work if your relationship is simply non-existent. My choice was really that my marriage was non-existent, but the sad part of my story is that I had to force this conclusion out of an ex whose cowardice made my life much more painful to reach the conclusion.
My marriage started to fade after my first son was born. My ex wanted kids, but was not into kids. My perspective is that he wanted kids like he wanted all the toys in his life--things there for his amusement. In fact, he collected things he wanted--power tools, a pick-up truck, computers, etc. He rarely spent time interacting with the kids, just patting them on the head in passing.
After having two children in two years and having to face a business that failed, my ex became extraordinarily disinterested in his home life. He lived in his office and came to bed long after I went to sleep. He spoke for hours on end to the people in his Everquest (EQ2) guild, and Everquest had become his daily lifeline. The only stable factor in his life was his job, and he constantly talked about quitting. He had all the hallmark signs of wanting to leave our marriage and find a new life. He just could not admit it to himself or to me.
Instead of being honest, my ex dragged his feet for months. I would ask him the typical "What's wrong?" questions and tell him that we (or he alone) should see a counselor. I tried to engage him at different levels like asking about Everquest. In the end, all I ever got was "I don't want to hurt you." After a 15 year relationship, this was all my ex had to say--like I was some china doll!
To add insult to injury, he started an affair with someone from his Everquest guild before even letting me know he had issues. He spent vast quantities of money (e.g., buying a custom gaming computer) on his girlfriend. He planned a couple weekend trips and made up weak excuses to cover his tracks. I constantly caught him lying and spending money, and he would create new lies. It was almost like he was an addict! Silly and naive me. I thought he would confront me first about our relationship issues and then try to start a new relationship after ending ours.
The advice sites that tell you to be honest and to forgive the transgressions of others mean well, but these rules do not apply when both parties are not on equal ground. The honesty factor to me is the most important advice because it is the basis of trust. Both parties in a relationship have to be honest for trust to exist. Forgiveness in my book is predicated by making amends--atoning for wrongs.
My ex is still not honest to this day about his relationship. Even though we are separated, he still tries to give big gifts to his girlfriend that come close to interfering with child support. (He does not even remember his sons' birthdays.) With no honesty, I have no trust in him. And what forgiveness? With my ex's constant lying and inability take make any amends, forgiveness is a long-term goal.
FYI. I personally think my ex went shopping for a girlfriend because he's the type of guy who could not survive emotionally on his own. He needs someone to constantly feed his ego. As he once told me, "Wife first, then kids." He's Mr. Fabulous, I have no issues, let me introduce you to my girlfriend who thinks I'm fabulous. He needs a woman who is insecure enough to cowtow to his ego in public and at most, berate him in private. We all need to have some self-importance and need a positive self-image, but at what price?
My marriage started to fade after my first son was born. My ex wanted kids, but was not into kids. My perspective is that he wanted kids like he wanted all the toys in his life--things there for his amusement. In fact, he collected things he wanted--power tools, a pick-up truck, computers, etc. He rarely spent time interacting with the kids, just patting them on the head in passing.
After having two children in two years and having to face a business that failed, my ex became extraordinarily disinterested in his home life. He lived in his office and came to bed long after I went to sleep. He spoke for hours on end to the people in his Everquest (EQ2) guild, and Everquest had become his daily lifeline. The only stable factor in his life was his job, and he constantly talked about quitting. He had all the hallmark signs of wanting to leave our marriage and find a new life. He just could not admit it to himself or to me.
Instead of being honest, my ex dragged his feet for months. I would ask him the typical "What's wrong?" questions and tell him that we (or he alone) should see a counselor. I tried to engage him at different levels like asking about Everquest. In the end, all I ever got was "I don't want to hurt you." After a 15 year relationship, this was all my ex had to say--like I was some china doll!
To add insult to injury, he started an affair with someone from his Everquest guild before even letting me know he had issues. He spent vast quantities of money (e.g., buying a custom gaming computer) on his girlfriend. He planned a couple weekend trips and made up weak excuses to cover his tracks. I constantly caught him lying and spending money, and he would create new lies. It was almost like he was an addict! Silly and naive me. I thought he would confront me first about our relationship issues and then try to start a new relationship after ending ours.
The advice sites that tell you to be honest and to forgive the transgressions of others mean well, but these rules do not apply when both parties are not on equal ground. The honesty factor to me is the most important advice because it is the basis of trust. Both parties in a relationship have to be honest for trust to exist. Forgiveness in my book is predicated by making amends--atoning for wrongs.
My ex is still not honest to this day about his relationship. Even though we are separated, he still tries to give big gifts to his girlfriend that come close to interfering with child support. (He does not even remember his sons' birthdays.) With no honesty, I have no trust in him. And what forgiveness? With my ex's constant lying and inability take make any amends, forgiveness is a long-term goal.
FYI. I personally think my ex went shopping for a girlfriend because he's the type of guy who could not survive emotionally on his own. He needs someone to constantly feed his ego. As he once told me, "Wife first, then kids." He's Mr. Fabulous, I have no issues, let me introduce you to my girlfriend who thinks I'm fabulous. He needs a woman who is insecure enough to cowtow to his ego in public and at most, berate him in private. We all need to have some self-importance and need a positive self-image, but at what price?
What is infidenlity? A sign of rebellion? Cowardice? What?
Last week I was talking to my ex on the phone and it was on of those days where we end up right back to his girlfriend--a key reason for our break-up. During our conversation, he actually said he was being rebellious by having an affair? Rebellious? Now I can think of a few words such as escapism, cowardice or seeking comfort as ways to describe an affair, but not rebellious.
I am not a professional psychologist, but I believe that my ex may have felt alone and unhappy. I believe my ex sees himself as someone who was looking for happiness and fulfillment rather than accepting the situation he was in. It is difficult to admit mistakes and then face the consequences of those mistakes head on. It is much easier to spin a new story that protects the ego and justifies inappropriate behavior. In this situation, being rebellious means not accepting responsibility for personal commitments of marriage and family.
I wish he would have approached me first about his unhappiness because now our relationship is non-existent. There is no friendship left, and we were good friends for much of our marriage. There is nothing I have to offer him. I will not help him when he needs support. I have no sympathy for him when he's having a bad day. He does not have my ear when he needs advice.
I hope other people who want to leave a marriage think of these types of consequences before running out and having affairs. This behavior is not rebellious. It is simply not facing the truth.
I am not a professional psychologist, but I believe that my ex may have felt alone and unhappy. I believe my ex sees himself as someone who was looking for happiness and fulfillment rather than accepting the situation he was in. It is difficult to admit mistakes and then face the consequences of those mistakes head on. It is much easier to spin a new story that protects the ego and justifies inappropriate behavior. In this situation, being rebellious means not accepting responsibility for personal commitments of marriage and family.
I wish he would have approached me first about his unhappiness because now our relationship is non-existent. There is no friendship left, and we were good friends for much of our marriage. There is nothing I have to offer him. I will not help him when he needs support. I have no sympathy for him when he's having a bad day. He does not have my ear when he needs advice.
I hope other people who want to leave a marriage think of these types of consequences before running out and having affairs. This behavior is not rebellious. It is simply not facing the truth.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Blind and Happy in a One-sided Marriage? Never Again.
For years I spent time participating in a one-sided relationship—definitely not a balanced relationship. I supported my ex while he was in grad school; I worked all the time—days, nights and weekends. I bought a second car—a hatchback that my ex refused to drive, so I gave him my SUV. I did all the domestic work, even when we entertained large groups of his friends. Looking back, I realized that I did not mind the work. I thought that my ex's focus on his career would pay off for both of us.
Well being the hopeful and foolish person I was, my ex’s career focus helped him and not me. His salary and job potential have substantially grown at my expense. Over time, I felt like I was a second mommy for my ex so that he could grow up and become a successful person. I also felt like a fraud victim in the relationship department. Oh well!
I learned my lesson the hard way that I should not have been the one doing all the work. Even when I was pregnant with my second child, I worked full-time, took care of domestic tasks and spent time trying to diagnose my first child’s health issues. My ex just played Everquest and told me his work schedule was slow. In future relationships, I won’t be with anyone who can’t pull an equal amount of the weight in the relationship. I also refuse to be someone’s mommy. I have two babies of my own thank you.
My ex is the one who lost out though. When he gets lost taking care of himself and has the nerve to call me for advice, I won’t be there to bail him out. For example, if my ex has a late bill because he forgot to pay on time, I do not have to be there to save his credit history. Or better yet, when he's telling me he can't afford groceries because he spent his entire budget on gaming and his girlfriend, I don't use my own resourcefulness to help him eat on a budget. Not my problem anymore.
My ex will struggle for awhile and that's fine by me since he did not appreciate what I did for him during all the years we were married.
Well being the hopeful and foolish person I was, my ex’s career focus helped him and not me. His salary and job potential have substantially grown at my expense. Over time, I felt like I was a second mommy for my ex so that he could grow up and become a successful person. I also felt like a fraud victim in the relationship department. Oh well!
I learned my lesson the hard way that I should not have been the one doing all the work. Even when I was pregnant with my second child, I worked full-time, took care of domestic tasks and spent time trying to diagnose my first child’s health issues. My ex just played Everquest and told me his work schedule was slow. In future relationships, I won’t be with anyone who can’t pull an equal amount of the weight in the relationship. I also refuse to be someone’s mommy. I have two babies of my own thank you.
My ex is the one who lost out though. When he gets lost taking care of himself and has the nerve to call me for advice, I won’t be there to bail him out. For example, if my ex has a late bill because he forgot to pay on time, I do not have to be there to save his credit history. Or better yet, when he's telling me he can't afford groceries because he spent his entire budget on gaming and his girlfriend, I don't use my own resourcefulness to help him eat on a budget. Not my problem anymore.
My ex will struggle for awhile and that's fine by me since he did not appreciate what I did for him during all the years we were married.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I Don't Tolerate Girlfriends on the Side
In late 2006 when I found out that my ex had a girlfriend while still married to me, I told my ex that I would not compete for him. I gave an ultimatum of the girlfriend goes or I go. At first he tried to convince me the girlfriend was out. Then he told me he needed to check on her and make sure she was okay--telling me he would then only keep out of contact for the short-term. I don't know about other people but what I am suppose to believe about someone who was running two women in his life? Hoe do I believe someone with a moving storyline? I did not sign up for marriage with a player.
The sad reality was that my ex had no idea what to do. I think he felt trapped, and he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too. He wanted his girlfriend who lived in British Columbia. He also wanted to come home and see his kids every night, have home-cooked meals and not participate in domestic responsibility. To me he was being delusional. Maybe some women put up this nonsense, but I would rather walk away. And that's what I did.
I did try to give my ex chances. I attempted marriage counseling. I also tried to believe his lies (at least until I could find proof that he was lying). For example, while I was working one Saturday till 4 AM trying to prep a house for sale, my ex took his girlfriend on a weekend trip. He even tried calling me and asking if everything was going well. Needless to say, I hung up on him because he took a trip on a weekend where I needed his help. Initially, I had to believe his trip with a college buddy story because I had no proof. Then I started searching through his financial records because I suspected he was up to no good. Eventually I found an airline ticket receipt with the girlfriend's name. My proof caused him to recant his story, but only after he gave me hell for spying on him. In all, I gave him about eight weeks of daily chances to come clean and prove that he was sorry and wanted me alone--no girlfriends please!
I was not surprised when I told my ex he had to go. He asked for this sentence with his ongoing lies and his inability to do the right thing for me--namely, get rid of the girlfriend. Sadly, I even found him his apartment because I knew he would go for the most expensive apartment on his own and not one that he could actually afford. Even today, I still pay a few joint bills because he just spends money frivolously. An example of this is when he buys his girlfriend a present and then tells me he needs money for food. (You would think someone like my ex with an ivy-league education would have more common sense.) Someday when the legal maneuverings are over, I hope to be free of being my ex's mommy. Maybe his girlfriend can deal with being his mommy.
The sad reality was that my ex had no idea what to do. I think he felt trapped, and he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too. He wanted his girlfriend who lived in British Columbia. He also wanted to come home and see his kids every night, have home-cooked meals and not participate in domestic responsibility. To me he was being delusional. Maybe some women put up this nonsense, but I would rather walk away. And that's what I did.
I did try to give my ex chances. I attempted marriage counseling. I also tried to believe his lies (at least until I could find proof that he was lying). For example, while I was working one Saturday till 4 AM trying to prep a house for sale, my ex took his girlfriend on a weekend trip. He even tried calling me and asking if everything was going well. Needless to say, I hung up on him because he took a trip on a weekend where I needed his help. Initially, I had to believe his trip with a college buddy story because I had no proof. Then I started searching through his financial records because I suspected he was up to no good. Eventually I found an airline ticket receipt with the girlfriend's name. My proof caused him to recant his story, but only after he gave me hell for spying on him. In all, I gave him about eight weeks of daily chances to come clean and prove that he was sorry and wanted me alone--no girlfriends please!
I was not surprised when I told my ex he had to go. He asked for this sentence with his ongoing lies and his inability to do the right thing for me--namely, get rid of the girlfriend. Sadly, I even found him his apartment because I knew he would go for the most expensive apartment on his own and not one that he could actually afford. Even today, I still pay a few joint bills because he just spends money frivolously. An example of this is when he buys his girlfriend a present and then tells me he needs money for food. (You would think someone like my ex with an ivy-league education would have more common sense.) Someday when the legal maneuverings are over, I hope to be free of being my ex's mommy. Maybe his girlfriend can deal with being his mommy.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
A Time To Rediscover Yourself
My first few weeks of separation are a blurry memory. I got up in the mornings and got the kids off to their activities, but after that I was depressed and locked in my own twilight zone. Most of my conversation were centered around what my ex did to me or was doing to me--like going on vacation with his girlfriend even though we were newly separated.
A few months of distance and the support of my family (and a good attorney) helped me to realize I had a chance to start over. All the things that my ex did to me were a signal to move on. Why be stuck in his world when his actions were saying he did not want me there? It was time to make a new life. Below are a few of the ideas I learned about creating a new life.
1. Rediscover Yourself. For me, the first step to creating a new life was rediscovering myself. After several years of marriage, my own concept of self had been put in a box and buried somewhere. I spent time catching up with old friends and doing activities I had forsaken in marriage because my ex was not interested. I also decided to try new things like joining a bookclub. (I know it's not skydiving, but it's a start.) I slowly have developed the life that I want. It's empowering, and i don't have to compromise with someone else.
2. Define new goals. Be sure to stretch a little. In early 2006, I left my job in software development and became a housewife. I was happy in this role and loved spending time with my kids. One year later, I was a single mom struggling to understand why my life had fallen apart. Nothing can prepare you for this event, but taking time to lay out short-term and long-term goals can significantly guide day to day activities and keep from feeling so lost. My short-term goal was to prepare for grad school, so I started studying for an awful standardized test and getting my transcripts together. It will be a year or so before I start school and I can hardly wait. This goal is tied to a loftier goal--being a successful entrepreneur. I may never be what I think of as a successful entrepreneur, but at least I have a challenge in front of me.
3. Get your financial house in order. Leaving a marriage is expensive, and costs add up fast--especially if there are lawyers involved. A new life means not splitting expenses, not contributing to one retirement account, and maybe having to get separate health insurance. The costs can be daunting if living week to week. This is a topic that is covered in depth on blogs, in books and even in some software applications. It is worth taking a substantial amount of time to investigate resources and make a budget and savings plan.
4. Build Time for Yourself into Your Schedule. I heard this advice from everyone I knew. Little did I know that taking this advice would help me the most. Doing small things like going to dinner with a friend helped me to visualize what I wanted in life.
5. Don't Rush too Quickly into Another Relationship. I devoted nearly 15 years of my life to one person. May of these years are happy memories even though my ex says he can't recall the details of our life together. Having a drastic change back to being single left me lonely and wanting companionship. I have heard therapists say that if you have multiple relationships, then you carry your experiences from one relationship to next. I have though about this advice and realized I do not want to relive the relationship with my ex. For this reason, I delayed going into other relationships until I knew what I wanted in my life and understood the behaviors I did not want to repeat in my next relationship.
I estimate it will take two to five years to get where I want to be. I am realistic about the timing so I do not lose my long-term focus. It will be a long journey and a happy one I hope.
A few months of distance and the support of my family (and a good attorney) helped me to realize I had a chance to start over. All the things that my ex did to me were a signal to move on. Why be stuck in his world when his actions were saying he did not want me there? It was time to make a new life. Below are a few of the ideas I learned about creating a new life.
1. Rediscover Yourself. For me, the first step to creating a new life was rediscovering myself. After several years of marriage, my own concept of self had been put in a box and buried somewhere. I spent time catching up with old friends and doing activities I had forsaken in marriage because my ex was not interested. I also decided to try new things like joining a bookclub. (I know it's not skydiving, but it's a start.) I slowly have developed the life that I want. It's empowering, and i don't have to compromise with someone else.
2. Define new goals. Be sure to stretch a little. In early 2006, I left my job in software development and became a housewife. I was happy in this role and loved spending time with my kids. One year later, I was a single mom struggling to understand why my life had fallen apart. Nothing can prepare you for this event, but taking time to lay out short-term and long-term goals can significantly guide day to day activities and keep from feeling so lost. My short-term goal was to prepare for grad school, so I started studying for an awful standardized test and getting my transcripts together. It will be a year or so before I start school and I can hardly wait. This goal is tied to a loftier goal--being a successful entrepreneur. I may never be what I think of as a successful entrepreneur, but at least I have a challenge in front of me.
3. Get your financial house in order. Leaving a marriage is expensive, and costs add up fast--especially if there are lawyers involved. A new life means not splitting expenses, not contributing to one retirement account, and maybe having to get separate health insurance. The costs can be daunting if living week to week. This is a topic that is covered in depth on blogs, in books and even in some software applications. It is worth taking a substantial amount of time to investigate resources and make a budget and savings plan.
4. Build Time for Yourself into Your Schedule. I heard this advice from everyone I knew. Little did I know that taking this advice would help me the most. Doing small things like going to dinner with a friend helped me to visualize what I wanted in life.
5. Don't Rush too Quickly into Another Relationship. I devoted nearly 15 years of my life to one person. May of these years are happy memories even though my ex says he can't recall the details of our life together. Having a drastic change back to being single left me lonely and wanting companionship. I have heard therapists say that if you have multiple relationships, then you carry your experiences from one relationship to next. I have though about this advice and realized I do not want to relive the relationship with my ex. For this reason, I delayed going into other relationships until I knew what I wanted in my life and understood the behaviors I did not want to repeat in my next relationship.
I estimate it will take two to five years to get where I want to be. I am realistic about the timing so I do not lose my long-term focus. It will be a long journey and a happy one I hope.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Build a New Self. Do Not Let Rejection Rule.
I was reading an article in Psychology Today by Carlin Flora entitled "Dumped, But Not Down" and found myself thinking that my ability to move forward was partially resulted from not fixating on a failed relationship. Instead, I regularly took steps that eventually lead me to believing in a new self-image and future of possibilities.
It's not be easy to take the first few steps back into the world without a significant other, but it is possible to create a new direction. Over time, accepting a new reality may lead to better self-esteem and maybe a better outlook on life.
1. Remember That Your Are a Good Person. An important base of my self-esteem is knowing I am a good person and that I did the right thing or took the right path. In the case my marriage, I know that I tried my best and did nothing to wrong my ex. I even attempted reconciliation before calling it quits. Even when my ex was lying to me, I tried to be honest about where I stood. By doing the right thing, I have a clean conscience and know that I set a good example for my kids. To me, being a good person gave me inner strength. I hope that can hold true for others.
2. Be Honest with Yourself. When I found out that my ex was cheating, I went through receipts, emails, etc. to find evidence because my ex was never truthful with me. After I found proof, I knew exactly where I stood, my marriage stood and my ex stood. I was brutally honest with myself about the details because I knew that the chance of reconciling my marriage was slim. Then, after discovering professions of love to another woman in my ex's writings, I knew my marriage was over. I felt hurt and betrayed for months, but it was easier to move forward. Accepting the true situation made me realize I needed to take care of myself and my kids. I had a new reality of being a single mom, and I could not change this destiny.
3. Stay Optimistic, Especially on Depressing Days. Optimism is not easy, and self-help books at most will help get you started. Optimism is a state of mind that you regularly work on and live in, especially in rough times. I have read books like "The Road to Optimism: Change Your Language-Change Your Life!" by J. Mitchell Perry and "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. These books talk about different aspects of living a positive life, but I found it worth reading a few books on the subject. To get through tough this tough situation, I needed tools to cope. Positive thinking makes to road to a "recovery" easier--stay focussed on positive things in your life and do not dwell on the failed marriage. (I even read books by Ghandi and Thich Nhat Hanh to obtain different perspectives on humankind.)
4. You Still Have a Future, Just a Different One. Being separated or divorced is scary. It's a complete identity change. By accepting the singledom identity, I am learning to accept myself and my new future as a single woman and mother, just like college days--except for two young kids, a mortgage, etc. Well, it's not exactly the same, but I have gotten use to the idea. Not embraced the idea, just accepted it. I am looking at my future without my ex. He will be in the kids' lives, but not in mine.
5. If You Tried Reconciliation, Then You Gave Him or Her a Chance. Separation or divorce occurs for many reasons. If reconciliation is given an honest chance to succeed, then the outcome should not be a regret. Either the relationship works or it does not. Either way, an honest try should make both parties involved feel like there was a genuine effort to make things work. In my case, my ex went to marriage counseling and attempted to reconcile while keeping his girlfriend on the side. He lied when I asked him to drop the girlfriend, and he lied when he said he would not give her anymore gifts or money. To me, his dishonesty gave me no choice but to separate. I did however make my ex say he wanted a separation because there was no way he was going to come back years later and say I was the one who wanted a separation. I know this sounds hokey, but this happened to my friend's mother. I gave my ex a chance, but I do not think he wanted to reconcile. I gave my ex a chance and feel that separation was the right thing. I have no guilt or regrets.
It's difficult to accept a new identity and future path. Losing a marriage is a blow to self-esteem and can be a difficult hurdle to jump when re-building self-esteem. Fixating on what was lost however will not make the future any easier to accept. Taking small steps to re-build an identity and a different life will pay off over time. If there are kids, they will see this and learn from this example.
NOTE: I saw a therapist after I was separated. I had to watch my spending and could not go frequently, but the therapist helped me understand my situation. Therapists and support groups are amazing resources in times of need.
It's not be easy to take the first few steps back into the world without a significant other, but it is possible to create a new direction. Over time, accepting a new reality may lead to better self-esteem and maybe a better outlook on life.
1. Remember That Your Are a Good Person. An important base of my self-esteem is knowing I am a good person and that I did the right thing or took the right path. In the case my marriage, I know that I tried my best and did nothing to wrong my ex. I even attempted reconciliation before calling it quits. Even when my ex was lying to me, I tried to be honest about where I stood. By doing the right thing, I have a clean conscience and know that I set a good example for my kids. To me, being a good person gave me inner strength. I hope that can hold true for others.
2. Be Honest with Yourself. When I found out that my ex was cheating, I went through receipts, emails, etc. to find evidence because my ex was never truthful with me. After I found proof, I knew exactly where I stood, my marriage stood and my ex stood. I was brutally honest with myself about the details because I knew that the chance of reconciling my marriage was slim. Then, after discovering professions of love to another woman in my ex's writings, I knew my marriage was over. I felt hurt and betrayed for months, but it was easier to move forward. Accepting the true situation made me realize I needed to take care of myself and my kids. I had a new reality of being a single mom, and I could not change this destiny.
3. Stay Optimistic, Especially on Depressing Days. Optimism is not easy, and self-help books at most will help get you started. Optimism is a state of mind that you regularly work on and live in, especially in rough times. I have read books like "The Road to Optimism: Change Your Language-Change Your Life!" by J. Mitchell Perry and "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. These books talk about different aspects of living a positive life, but I found it worth reading a few books on the subject. To get through tough this tough situation, I needed tools to cope. Positive thinking makes to road to a "recovery" easier--stay focussed on positive things in your life and do not dwell on the failed marriage. (I even read books by Ghandi and Thich Nhat Hanh to obtain different perspectives on humankind.)
4. You Still Have a Future, Just a Different One. Being separated or divorced is scary. It's a complete identity change. By accepting the singledom identity, I am learning to accept myself and my new future as a single woman and mother, just like college days--except for two young kids, a mortgage, etc. Well, it's not exactly the same, but I have gotten use to the idea. Not embraced the idea, just accepted it. I am looking at my future without my ex. He will be in the kids' lives, but not in mine.
5. If You Tried Reconciliation, Then You Gave Him or Her a Chance. Separation or divorce occurs for many reasons. If reconciliation is given an honest chance to succeed, then the outcome should not be a regret. Either the relationship works or it does not. Either way, an honest try should make both parties involved feel like there was a genuine effort to make things work. In my case, my ex went to marriage counseling and attempted to reconcile while keeping his girlfriend on the side. He lied when I asked him to drop the girlfriend, and he lied when he said he would not give her anymore gifts or money. To me, his dishonesty gave me no choice but to separate. I did however make my ex say he wanted a separation because there was no way he was going to come back years later and say I was the one who wanted a separation. I know this sounds hokey, but this happened to my friend's mother. I gave my ex a chance, but I do not think he wanted to reconcile. I gave my ex a chance and feel that separation was the right thing. I have no guilt or regrets.
It's difficult to accept a new identity and future path. Losing a marriage is a blow to self-esteem and can be a difficult hurdle to jump when re-building self-esteem. Fixating on what was lost however will not make the future any easier to accept. Taking small steps to re-build an identity and a different life will pay off over time. If there are kids, they will see this and learn from this example.
NOTE: I saw a therapist after I was separated. I had to watch my spending and could not go frequently, but the therapist helped me understand my situation. Therapists and support groups are amazing resources in times of need.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Don't Ask Me Why the Relationship Failed
Today I was looking at other relationship blogs and searching for something to understand why my ex is only interested in discussing why our relationship failed. I have not found anything yet, but I think his desire to talk about why is his excuse to place blame on me rather than accept his own failure. To understand this, I have to give some background and then explain what I mean.
I won't go into the convoluted and painful story right now about how I discovered my ex cheating on me with a woman who lives in British Columbia (3000 miles away) or how he got lost in Everquest (EQ2) or how he neglected his two young sons. I only know that for two years as we struggled through my ex failing at a business venture and having an autistic son, my ex isolated himself in EQ2 and left me to deal with all the baggage. I worked full time, managed two babies--one who needed significant special care, salvaged my ex's failed business venture, and performed all the daily tasks of living. As intelligent as my ex was, he could not pull himself together and deal with the daily drama of our lives.
After discovering my ex's infidelity and selling his failed business venture, I went through a brief time of wanting to reconcile the relationship. I asked my ex to forget the affair and never contact his girlfriend again. I also tried relationship counseling, but counseling does not work when one party is a chronic liar. My ex continued his affair behind my back and constantly lied to me about everything. I would hear things like "I only slept with her once." or "She will pay me back for the gift I gave her." After digging for evidence for a few weeks and finding more details than I could deal with, I got tired of my ex's stories. He had to go.
Several months later, I occasionally end up asking my ex why he could not accept his role in abandoning his family. It's at this point I hear things like "I did a bad thing., but I can't dwell on the past." Then, I am told I worked too much, paid too much attention to the kids and put too much effort into trying to close down a money pit of a failed business venture. Therefore, it was my fault that the marriage failed.
I should not open the failed relationship can of worms because the response is always the same, but I can't believe my ex's denial. I don't understand how I could be blamed for putting babies first, especially an autistic child. I don't understand how my ex could play Everquest 40 hours a week after working a full-time job and tell me that I should have found time to spend with him. He wore headphones at home and rarely talked to me. I don't understand how my ex expected to close his business venture that cost thousands of dollars a month if certain work was not done or bills were not paid. I ended up doing all the work. Why would my ex blame me for losing focus on the marriage when he left me alone with everything else? I fell like I was set up for failure.
In a failed relationship, each party involved shares some responsibility. In my case, I just did not have the energy to give attention to a relationship when I had so many other competing issues. I also was not about to play Everquest after seeing my ex's addiction. I know my part and painfully acknowledge it. I wish my ex would stop asking why because to me, it just does not matter anymore. I would rather have an acknowledgment of fault and move forward.
I won't go into the convoluted and painful story right now about how I discovered my ex cheating on me with a woman who lives in British Columbia (3000 miles away) or how he got lost in Everquest (EQ2) or how he neglected his two young sons. I only know that for two years as we struggled through my ex failing at a business venture and having an autistic son, my ex isolated himself in EQ2 and left me to deal with all the baggage. I worked full time, managed two babies--one who needed significant special care, salvaged my ex's failed business venture, and performed all the daily tasks of living. As intelligent as my ex was, he could not pull himself together and deal with the daily drama of our lives.
After discovering my ex's infidelity and selling his failed business venture, I went through a brief time of wanting to reconcile the relationship. I asked my ex to forget the affair and never contact his girlfriend again. I also tried relationship counseling, but counseling does not work when one party is a chronic liar. My ex continued his affair behind my back and constantly lied to me about everything. I would hear things like "I only slept with her once." or "She will pay me back for the gift I gave her." After digging for evidence for a few weeks and finding more details than I could deal with, I got tired of my ex's stories. He had to go.
Several months later, I occasionally end up asking my ex why he could not accept his role in abandoning his family. It's at this point I hear things like "I did a bad thing., but I can't dwell on the past." Then, I am told I worked too much, paid too much attention to the kids and put too much effort into trying to close down a money pit of a failed business venture. Therefore, it was my fault that the marriage failed.
I should not open the failed relationship can of worms because the response is always the same, but I can't believe my ex's denial. I don't understand how I could be blamed for putting babies first, especially an autistic child. I don't understand how my ex could play Everquest 40 hours a week after working a full-time job and tell me that I should have found time to spend with him. He wore headphones at home and rarely talked to me. I don't understand how my ex expected to close his business venture that cost thousands of dollars a month if certain work was not done or bills were not paid. I ended up doing all the work. Why would my ex blame me for losing focus on the marriage when he left me alone with everything else? I fell like I was set up for failure.
In a failed relationship, each party involved shares some responsibility. In my case, I just did not have the energy to give attention to a relationship when I had so many other competing issues. I also was not about to play Everquest after seeing my ex's addiction. I know my part and painfully acknowledge it. I wish my ex would stop asking why because to me, it just does not matter anymore. I would rather have an acknowledgment of fault and move forward.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
A Small Exercise in Civility Goes a Long Way
In my first posting to this blog, I said that "You don't have to like an ex, you just have to be civil." I occasionally forget to practice this advice when I bring up the past--another thing to avoid, but today I followed my advice. My ex called from New York and asked if I could search through his business files for an important document. Instead of telling him I wasn't his secretary or mother, I went ahead and searched through his files.
I really wanted to tell him that our separation means that I am not there for him and that he relinquished his rights to ask for help, but I bit my tongue. I spent a few minutes assisting him because I knew he had no else to help him . It is in these small instances that I can maintain some level of civility and prove that I am capable of being a bigger person than my ex for all his pettiness.
In following this advice, I put money in my relationship bank account and now have a little credit for some future date where I may not be as civil. For example, when I need my ex to pay his share of a future medical expense for one of the kids and he says no way, I have some leverage to convince him to listen to me. A little civility reduces the risk of my ex hanging up the phone. Being civil in little ways builds a bridge to the times when talking is not so easy.
I really wanted to tell him that our separation means that I am not there for him and that he relinquished his rights to ask for help, but I bit my tongue. I spent a few minutes assisting him because I knew he had no else to help him . It is in these small instances that I can maintain some level of civility and prove that I am capable of being a bigger person than my ex for all his pettiness.
In following this advice, I put money in my relationship bank account and now have a little credit for some future date where I may not be as civil. For example, when I need my ex to pay his share of a future medical expense for one of the kids and he says no way, I have some leverage to convince him to listen to me. A little civility reduces the risk of my ex hanging up the phone. Being civil in little ways builds a bridge to the times when talking is not so easy.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Top 5: Moving Beyond a Lost Relationship
Instead of going to bed one night, my now ex-husband started talking about wanting to be happy. He talked for a while and finally said he said he just wanted to be friends. He treated 15 years of marriage like a six month casual relationship. He just did not know how to cope with two babies under the age of three--one who is on the autistic spectrum, a mortgage, and the daily grind of life.
After days of prodding, I found out that my ex was involved in an online romance. He found a girlfriend through his online gaming--one who spent alot of money and was addicted to online gaming. I was shocked at first and then realized my marriage was an emptry relationship. I grieved for many weeks over the loss of my marriage and feared being a lonely single mom with a special needs child. As painful as it was, I knew that the best decision was to start a new life. Listed below are my top five survival tips to moving beyond a failed relationship, especially if you have kids.
My Top 5 Survival Tips for Moving Forward:
1. Don't forget the kids; they come first. My children noticed when daddy moved out. They would ask about daddy coming home from work. What could I say about daddy? I had to hide many of my reactions and develop an approach to deal with my kids. As the responsible parent (at least in my eyes), I did not want the kids to to be negatively impacted by the stress. I did my best to talk about the changes taking place. I also maintained a highly structured home environment. My ex even agreed to letting the kids live with me full time so they would not be confused by two homes. This may be extreme, but my kids did not ask to live in this situation.
2. You don't have to like an ex, but it helps to be civil. In my opinion, my husband was callous in his actions and immature for not approaching me sooner about marital issues. I do not consider my ex a friend and probably won't for years to come. However, this does not change the the fact that my kids will be in contact with their daddy throughout their lives. For me, the only means of dealing with this unpleasantness is to be civil. I remain neutral in my reactions and try not to get on my soap box. My ex leaves the door wide open to being lectured. I just ignore the door's presence.
3. Keep yourself together, don't get lost on the way out. At one time, I was wrapped up in my marriage and kids. This was my identity and a source of strength through the many hardships I experienced. My oldest child had health issues from birth, my ex was addicted to online gaming and for a while, I was bringing home the only paycheck. After my marriage went south, I got lost in grief. I did not want to face the end of my relationship. It took several weeks, but I started planning time out with friends and special activities for the kids. I eventually got counseling as well. I worked to move forward so that I did not feel so helpless about my predicament. It would have been so easy to pine after my ex and the life I thought I had. If I did not move forward with myself, I would remain lost in the past.
4. Don't spend all your money on the lawyers, keep some for yourself. Getting married is easy, and getting divorced costs time and money. The money predominantly goes to lawyers--from 25 cents for one photocopy to hundreds of dollars an hour for a lawyer's time. My lawyer was important in guiding me through the process, but I wanted to spend as little as possible. I did not need years of debt on top of a failed marriage. I had to work with my ex and forget about any notion of punishing him. In the end, I saved a little money now and a lot of future financial hardship.
5. Reach out and talk. When I first learned of my ex's transgressions, I decided to talk with close family and friends. I could not believe I was talking about my ex and his girlfirend or about his video game addiction, but this act removed my isolation. I found support and great advice. One friend even flew across the country to spend a weekend with me. She helped me to realize that my marriage was over. Talking to others broke my cycle of grief and pushed me into a healing process.
The grief about my breakup was equivalent to someone dying. I still can't believe that my marriage was over in a matter of weeks. Facing the situation and moving forward was the best solution for me. I can't change my ex's behaviors. I can only control my reaction and what i will accept in my life.
After days of prodding, I found out that my ex was involved in an online romance. He found a girlfriend through his online gaming--one who spent alot of money and was addicted to online gaming. I was shocked at first and then realized my marriage was an emptry relationship. I grieved for many weeks over the loss of my marriage and feared being a lonely single mom with a special needs child. As painful as it was, I knew that the best decision was to start a new life. Listed below are my top five survival tips to moving beyond a failed relationship, especially if you have kids.
My Top 5 Survival Tips for Moving Forward:
1. Don't forget the kids; they come first. My children noticed when daddy moved out. They would ask about daddy coming home from work. What could I say about daddy? I had to hide many of my reactions and develop an approach to deal with my kids. As the responsible parent (at least in my eyes), I did not want the kids to to be negatively impacted by the stress. I did my best to talk about the changes taking place. I also maintained a highly structured home environment. My ex even agreed to letting the kids live with me full time so they would not be confused by two homes. This may be extreme, but my kids did not ask to live in this situation.
2. You don't have to like an ex, but it helps to be civil. In my opinion, my husband was callous in his actions and immature for not approaching me sooner about marital issues. I do not consider my ex a friend and probably won't for years to come. However, this does not change the the fact that my kids will be in contact with their daddy throughout their lives. For me, the only means of dealing with this unpleasantness is to be civil. I remain neutral in my reactions and try not to get on my soap box. My ex leaves the door wide open to being lectured. I just ignore the door's presence.
3. Keep yourself together, don't get lost on the way out. At one time, I was wrapped up in my marriage and kids. This was my identity and a source of strength through the many hardships I experienced. My oldest child had health issues from birth, my ex was addicted to online gaming and for a while, I was bringing home the only paycheck. After my marriage went south, I got lost in grief. I did not want to face the end of my relationship. It took several weeks, but I started planning time out with friends and special activities for the kids. I eventually got counseling as well. I worked to move forward so that I did not feel so helpless about my predicament. It would have been so easy to pine after my ex and the life I thought I had. If I did not move forward with myself, I would remain lost in the past.
4. Don't spend all your money on the lawyers, keep some for yourself. Getting married is easy, and getting divorced costs time and money. The money predominantly goes to lawyers--from 25 cents for one photocopy to hundreds of dollars an hour for a lawyer's time. My lawyer was important in guiding me through the process, but I wanted to spend as little as possible. I did not need years of debt on top of a failed marriage. I had to work with my ex and forget about any notion of punishing him. In the end, I saved a little money now and a lot of future financial hardship.
5. Reach out and talk. When I first learned of my ex's transgressions, I decided to talk with close family and friends. I could not believe I was talking about my ex and his girlfirend or about his video game addiction, but this act removed my isolation. I found support and great advice. One friend even flew across the country to spend a weekend with me. She helped me to realize that my marriage was over. Talking to others broke my cycle of grief and pushed me into a healing process.
The grief about my breakup was equivalent to someone dying. I still can't believe that my marriage was over in a matter of weeks. Facing the situation and moving forward was the best solution for me. I can't change my ex's behaviors. I can only control my reaction and what i will accept in my life.
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