I Won't Rescue A Non-Existent Relationship

TheRescueMarriage.com has an article entitled "Improve Marriage Tips." Once upon a time in my formerly married life, I spent time looking for advice and ideas such as those contained in this article to improve my marriage, but found out that all the advice had underlying assumptions. For examples, relationship advice makes sense if you believe you marriage is salvageable, but not if your choice is salvage yourself or salvage your relationship. Or it does not work if your relationship is simply non-existent. My choice was really that my marriage was non-existent, but the sad part of my story is that I had to force this conclusion out of an ex whose cowardice made my life much more painful to reach the conclusion.

My marriage started to fade after my first son was born. My ex wanted kids, but was not into kids. My perspective is that he wanted kids like he wanted all the toys in his life--things there for his amusement. In fact, he collected things he wanted--power tools, a pick-up truck, computers, etc. He rarely spent time interacting with the kids, just patting them on the head in passing.

After having two children in two years and having to face a business that failed, my ex became extraordinarily disinterested in his home life. He lived in his office and came to bed long after I went to sleep. He spoke for hours on end to the people in his Everquest (EQ2) guild, and Everquest had become his daily lifeline. The only stable factor in his life was his job, and he constantly talked about quitting. He had all the hallmark signs of wanting to leave our marriage and find a new life. He just could not admit it to himself or to me.

Instead of being honest, my ex dragged his feet for months. I would ask him the typical "What's wrong?" questions and tell him that we (or he alone) should see a counselor. I tried to engage him at different levels like asking about Everquest. In the end, all I ever got was "I don't want to hurt you." After a 15 year relationship, this was all my ex had to say--like I was some china doll!

To add insult to injury, he started an affair with someone from his Everquest guild before even letting me know he had issues. He spent vast quantities of money (e.g., buying a custom gaming computer) on his girlfriend. He planned a couple weekend trips and made up weak excuses to cover his tracks. I constantly caught him lying and spending money, and he would create new lies. It was almost like he was an addict! Silly and naive me. I thought he would confront me first about our relationship issues and then try to start a new relationship after ending ours.

The advice sites that tell you to be honest and to forgive the transgressions of others mean well, but these rules do not apply when both parties are not on equal ground. The honesty factor to me is the most important advice because it is the basis of trust. Both parties in a relationship have to be honest for trust to exist. Forgiveness in my book is predicated by making amends--atoning for wrongs.

My ex is still not honest to this day about his relationship. Even though we are separated, he still tries to give big gifts to his girlfriend that come close to interfering with child support. (He does not even remember his sons' birthdays.) With no honesty, I have no trust in him. And what forgiveness? With my ex's constant lying and inability take make any amends, forgiveness is a long-term goal.

FYI. I personally think my ex went shopping for a girlfriend because he's the type of guy who could not survive emotionally on his own. He needs someone to constantly feed his ego. As he once told me, "Wife first, then kids." He's Mr. Fabulous, I have no issues, let me introduce you to my girlfriend who thinks I'm fabulous. He needs a woman who is insecure enough to cowtow to his ego in public and at most, berate him in private. We all need to have some self-importance and need a positive self-image, but at what price?

I Don't Tolerate Girlfriends on the Side

In late 2006 when I found out that my ex had a girlfriend while still married to me, I told my ex that I would not compete for him. I gave an ultimatum of the girlfriend goes or I go. At first he tried to convince me the girlfriend was out. Then he told me he needed to check on her and make sure she was okay--telling me he would then only keep out of contact for the short-term. I don't know about other people but what I am suppose to believe about someone who was running two women in his life? Hoe do I believe someone with a moving storyline? I did not sign up for marriage with a player.

The sad reality was that my ex had no idea what to do. I think he felt trapped, and he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too. He wanted his girlfriend who lived in British Columbia. He also wanted to come home and see his kids every night, have home-cooked meals and not participate in domestic responsibility. To me he was being delusional. Maybe some women put up this nonsense, but I would rather walk away. And that's what I did.

I did try to give my ex chances. I attempted marriage counseling. I also tried to believe his lies (at least until I could find proof that he was lying). For example, while I was working one Saturday till 4 AM trying to prep a house for sale, my ex took his girlfriend on a weekend trip. He even tried calling me and asking if everything was going well. Needless to say, I hung up on him because he took a trip on a weekend where I needed his help. Initially, I had to believe his trip with a college buddy story because I had no proof. Then I started searching through his financial records because I suspected he was up to no good. Eventually I found an airline ticket receipt with the girlfriend's name. My proof caused him to recant his story, but only after he gave me hell for spying on him. In all, I gave him about eight weeks of daily chances to come clean and prove that he was sorry and wanted me alone--no girlfriends please!

I was not surprised when I told my ex he had to go. He asked for this sentence with his ongoing lies and his inability to do the right thing for me--namely, get rid of the girlfriend. Sadly, I even found him his apartment because I knew he would go for the most expensive apartment on his own and not one that he could actually afford. Even today, I still pay a few joint bills because he just spends money frivolously. An example of this is when he buys his girlfriend a present and then tells me he needs money for food. (You would think someone like my ex with an ivy-league education would have more common sense.) Someday when the legal maneuverings are over, I hope to be free of being my ex's mommy. Maybe his girlfriend can deal with being his mommy.

Coping with a Dying Marriage

Just a short time ago, my children and my ex were the center of my universe. I did not mind living in this limited world because these were the people I loved. When my ex became addicted to Everquest (EQ2) and started an affair with someone from Everquest, I was shocked. I knew my ex was depressed, but I had no idea how far astray he went from our life.

Through a two-and-a-half month period of trying to unsuccessfully reconcile with him, I was in so much pain that I knew I needed to make changes. He lied about dropping his affair and lied to his family and friends about his actions. He did nothing to change. For this reason, I decided to separate.

At first, I lost a few pounds, and my asthmatic symptoms were more frequent. I cried too much and knew I was grieving for lost marriage. I had the kids 95% of the time, so they at least kept me going.

My ex was callous about my feelings and was only concerned with himself. Talking to him about my feelings was not working. There was a wall I could not break. Our conversations were circular.

I ended up talking to my mom, my sister and a few good friends. My initial conversations focussed on what happened and was it possible to save my marriage. After e few weeks, the conversations shifted to how do I take care of myself and my kids without my ex. I switched my focus because I was going nowhere with my ex. It became a matter of self-preservation.

Leaving my marriage and starting over is the hardest thing thing I have ever done. I did not feel there was any other choice given my ex was continuing his affair. I also felt that I wanted my kids to have healthier relationship models in their lives. Having a father who cheats and spends all his free time at a computer is not a good role model in any marriage. I also left for myself. I knew that I was worthy of a better relationship. I am a good person with much to offer, so why should I be with someone who does not appreciate me or who verbally abuses me?

I am scared about the future and of being alone the rest of my life. I only wanted to be in a loving relationship where I am equal to and appreciated by my spouse. I only know that having no relationship is better than an abusive or neglectful relationship. I am worth more than that.

Don't Ask Me Why the Relationship Failed

Today I was looking at other relationship blogs and searching for something to understand why my ex is only interested in discussing why our relationship failed. I have not found anything yet, but I think his desire to talk about why is his excuse to place blame on me rather than accept his own failure. To understand this, I have to give some background and then explain what I mean.

I won't go into the convoluted and painful story right now about how I discovered my ex cheating on me with a woman who lives in British Columbia (3000 miles away) or how he got lost in Everquest (EQ2) or how he neglected his two young sons. I only know that for two years as we struggled through my ex failing at a business venture and having an autistic son, my ex isolated himself in EQ2 and left me to deal with all the baggage. I worked full time, managed two babies--one who needed significant special care, salvaged my ex's failed business venture, and performed all the daily tasks of living. As intelligent as my ex was, he could not pull himself together and deal with the daily drama of our lives.

After discovering my ex's infidelity and selling his failed business venture, I went through a brief time of wanting to reconcile the relationship. I asked my ex to forget the affair and never contact his girlfriend again. I also tried relationship counseling, but counseling does not work when one party is a chronic liar. My ex continued his affair behind my back and constantly lied to me about everything. I would hear things like "I only slept with her once." or "She will pay me back for the gift I gave her." After digging for evidence for a few weeks and finding more details than I could deal with, I got tired of my ex's stories. He had to go.

Several months later, I occasionally end up asking my ex why he could not accept his role in abandoning his family. It's at this point I hear things like "I did a bad thing., but I can't dwell on the past." Then, I am told I worked too much, paid too much attention to the kids and put too much effort into trying to close down a money pit of a failed business venture. Therefore, it was my fault that the marriage failed.

I should not open the failed relationship can of worms because the response is always the same, but I can't believe my ex's denial. I don't understand how I could be blamed for putting babies first, especially an autistic child. I don't understand how my ex could play Everquest 40 hours a week after working a full-time job and tell me that I should have found time to spend with him. He wore headphones at home and rarely talked to me. I don't understand how my ex expected to close his business venture that cost thousands of dollars a month if certain work was not done or bills were not paid. I ended up doing all the work. Why would my ex blame me for losing focus on the marriage when he left me alone with everything else? I fell like I was set up for failure.

In a failed relationship, each party involved shares some responsibility. In my case, I just did not have the energy to give attention to a relationship when I had so many other competing issues. I also was not about to play Everquest after seeing my ex's addiction. I know my part and painfully acknowledge it. I wish my ex would stop asking why because to me, it just does not matter anymore. I would rather have an acknowledgment of fault and move forward.