Thursday, August 9, 2007

What is infidenlity? A sign of rebellion? Cowardice? What?

Last week I was talking to my ex on the phone and it was on of those days where we end up right back to his girlfriend--a key reason for our break-up. During our conversation, he actually said he was being rebellious by having an affair? Rebellious? Now I can think of a few words such as escapism, cowardice or seeking comfort as ways to describe an affair, but not rebellious.

I am not a professional psychologist, but I believe that my ex may have felt alone and unhappy. I believe my ex sees himself as someone who was looking for happiness and fulfillment rather than accepting the situation he was in. It is difficult to admit mistakes and then face the consequences of those mistakes head on. It is much easier to spin a new story that protects the ego and justifies inappropriate behavior. In this situation, being rebellious means not accepting responsibility for personal commitments of marriage and family.

I wish he would have approached me first about his unhappiness because now our relationship is non-existent. There is no friendship left, and we were good friends for much of our marriage. There is nothing I have to offer him. I will not help him when he needs support. I have no sympathy for him when he's having a bad day. He does not have my ear when he needs advice.

I hope other people who want to leave a marriage think of these types of consequences before running out and having affairs. This behavior is not rebellious. It is simply not facing the truth.


Chris Jennings said...

i was recently caught having an affair by my wife. we've been having issues for quite sometime, and before i get too specific, i wanted to let you know why I am commenting.

i love my wife, but there is a lot of pain and resentment between us. we have two kids, 6 years of marriage, and a host of reasons to stay together. i don't want to get divorced. we are both willing to give it another shot.

i would like to better understand what my wife is going through.

maybe we can help each other out.


chris jennings

onwego girl said...

I am not a psychologist, but my thought is that your wife is feeling betrayed and she probably does not trust you at this time. Seeing a trusted counselor or other advisor may be one of the few ways to explore issues and see if your marriage can be salvaged. The biggest thing you need to do now is to be completely honest. Talk about issues--don't conceal them. Be honest with yourself and to your wife. Also, keep the kids out of the equation. They only need to know that you love them no matter what. Whatever your issues, your kids should have their lives and a stable existence. You and your wife are their role models. Your children will learn your behaviors and carry those behaviors forward into future relationships. Good luck. And remember, this is only my opinion. Thanks for reading.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if its love what I'm feeling for this married man or if its just attraction. All I can think of is him, but don't wanna give him my heart, I know he's married & I thought it our affair wouldn't last this long (1 1/2 yrs). Why did he say
"My goal is for you to fall in love with me". I am so confused...