Friday, July 27, 2007

Don't Ask Me Why the Relationship Failed

Today I was looking at other relationship blogs and searching for something to understand why my ex is only interested in discussing why our relationship failed. I have not found anything yet, but I think his desire to talk about why is his excuse to place blame on me rather than accept his own failure. To understand this, I have to give some background and then explain what I mean.

I won't go into the convoluted and painful story right now about how I discovered my ex cheating on me with a woman who lives in British Columbia (3000 miles away) or how he got lost in Everquest (EQ2) or how he neglected his two young sons. I only know that for two years as we struggled through my ex failing at a business venture and having an autistic son, my ex isolated himself in EQ2 and left me to deal with all the baggage. I worked full time, managed two babies--one who needed significant special care, salvaged my ex's failed business venture, and performed all the daily tasks of living. As intelligent as my ex was, he could not pull himself together and deal with the daily drama of our lives.

After discovering my ex's infidelity and selling his failed business venture, I went through a brief time of wanting to reconcile the relationship. I asked my ex to forget the affair and never contact his girlfriend again. I also tried relationship counseling, but counseling does not work when one party is a chronic liar. My ex continued his affair behind my back and constantly lied to me about everything. I would hear things like "I only slept with her once." or "She will pay me back for the gift I gave her." After digging for evidence for a few weeks and finding more details than I could deal with, I got tired of my ex's stories. He had to go.

Several months later, I occasionally end up asking my ex why he could not accept his role in abandoning his family. It's at this point I hear things like "I did a bad thing., but I can't dwell on the past." Then, I am told I worked too much, paid too much attention to the kids and put too much effort into trying to close down a money pit of a failed business venture. Therefore, it was my fault that the marriage failed.

I should not open the failed relationship can of worms because the response is always the same, but I can't believe my ex's denial. I don't understand how I could be blamed for putting babies first, especially an autistic child. I don't understand how my ex could play Everquest 40 hours a week after working a full-time job and tell me that I should have found time to spend with him. He wore headphones at home and rarely talked to me. I don't understand how my ex expected to close his business venture that cost thousands of dollars a month if certain work was not done or bills were not paid. I ended up doing all the work. Why would my ex blame me for losing focus on the marriage when he left me alone with everything else? I fell like I was set up for failure.

In a failed relationship, each party involved shares some responsibility. In my case, I just did not have the energy to give attention to a relationship when I had so many other competing issues. I also was not about to play Everquest after seeing my ex's addiction. I know my part and painfully acknowledge it. I wish my ex would stop asking why because to me, it just does not matter anymore. I would rather have an acknowledgment of fault and move forward.

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