Sunday, July 29, 2007

Coping with a Dying Marriage

Just a short time ago, my children and my ex were the center of my universe. I did not mind living in this limited world because these were the people I loved. When my ex became addicted to Everquest (EQ2) and started an affair with someone from Everquest, I was shocked. I knew my ex was depressed, but I had no idea how far astray he went from our life.

Through a two-and-a-half month period of trying to unsuccessfully reconcile with him, I was in so much pain that I knew I needed to make changes. He lied about dropping his affair and lied to his family and friends about his actions. He did nothing to change. For this reason, I decided to separate.

At first, I lost a few pounds, and my asthmatic symptoms were more frequent. I cried too much and knew I was grieving for lost marriage. I had the kids 95% of the time, so they at least kept me going.

My ex was callous about my feelings and was only concerned with himself. Talking to him about my feelings was not working. There was a wall I could not break. Our conversations were circular.

I ended up talking to my mom, my sister and a few good friends. My initial conversations focussed on what happened and was it possible to save my marriage. After e few weeks, the conversations shifted to how do I take care of myself and my kids without my ex. I switched my focus because I was going nowhere with my ex. It became a matter of self-preservation.

Leaving my marriage and starting over is the hardest thing thing I have ever done. I did not feel there was any other choice given my ex was continuing his affair. I also felt that I wanted my kids to have healthier relationship models in their lives. Having a father who cheats and spends all his free time at a computer is not a good role model in any marriage. I also left for myself. I knew that I was worthy of a better relationship. I am a good person with much to offer, so why should I be with someone who does not appreciate me or who verbally abuses me?

I am scared about the future and of being alone the rest of my life. I only wanted to be in a loving relationship where I am equal to and appreciated by my spouse. I only know that having no relationship is better than an abusive or neglectful relationship. I am worth more than that.


Imigrante said...

Rock 'n' roll will never die!

onwego girl said...

Sometimes you just have to rock on.