My ex called this weekend and said he may lose his job or could be reassigned to an uninteresting position. He said his boss' job was potentially on the chopping block and the same could hold true for his job. This information immediately evoked two reactions from me. The first was that my ex needed to give me proof that any pink slip was not a resignation. The second was how am I suppose or take care of two babies when my ex can't or won't keep a job. Needless to say my ex did not stop by to visit the kids for several days because he was upset at me about my lack of sympathy for his situation.
My ex has a strong history of lying about his transgressions. He lied about his affair, the money he spends on his girlfriend when the money is suppose to go to the his kids, and about his feelings toward me. My ex has also recently been saying he needs to move because he can't afford to live where he's at. Given that he has issues being honest with me, a girlfriend in Canada (3000 miles away), and a desire to move, it's not out of the question that he would lie to me about quiting his job. Even today, I put this scenario forward during a phone call and he got defensive although he did not disagree with what I was saying. As far as I have ever known, you just can't regularly lie and then expect someone to believe you.
Aside from my ex telling too many lies, he never seems to place his kids as the highest priority in life. He wants his kids taken care of, but he's not willing to go the extra mile or make the extra sacrifice for his kids to have a good life. Now it may be too much to expect someone to live by this ideal, but this is how I was raised. My parents went out their way so that I could have more opportunities in life. When my ex spoke of a possible lay off from his current job, he did not bring up the subject of how to take care of the kids if his job does not work out. The only topic of interest was his need for sympathy concerning his career. Given my beliefs about family first, I did not understand his self-focus. I know that maintaining a career is important, but family well-being is more important to me. My thought is that he should have been focussed on making sure he could provide for his family even if it meant looking for work on the side or looking for other jobs should his current one come to an end.
I think my ex believes he deserves sympathy from everyone in his life. He expects people to put him first. I believe one reason reconciliation with my ex will be painstakingly difficult is that he has difficulty putting others first unless they out him first. There is no sense of selflessness in his beliefs.
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Communication. Show all posts
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I Am Not Lying About the Autism
My ex phoned me from Boston today to talk to the kids. He started the conversation with a basic "How are you?" and then asked about the kids. It was a neutral conversation and moved along quickly as we talked about the day's activities--pre-school and art classes. But for some reason, when I said I needed to go because my autistic son was just having a melt-down, my ex said he didn't understand. My ex's denial was back, and he hung up on me rather than listening to what I had to say.
My oldest son is on the autistic spectrum (PDD-NOS), and one challenge he faces is self-regulation. This means that he occasionally does not deal well with change and may cry as a result of the stress he experiences. This evening, my ex was contending that it was unusual for these melt-downs to occur. How would he know? I spend most of my day at home whereas he sees his kids less than 8 hours a week. I know my kids well and would not exaggerate about their health, their needs, or potential issues.
My ex has never accepted my oldest son's autism. As a result, he has always had problems understanding the commitment and lifestyle necessary to raising an autistic child. He spends his limited time with my autistic son doing a limited range of activities. I can't change his attitudes and interactions, but I try not to exaggerate about my son's needs, his progress, or his issues. In fact, my wish is for my ex to make the same commitments I have made.
I often spend too much time thinking about how to convince my ex that my autistic son has special needs and that we need to deal with issues now rather than deny that a problem exists. I occasionally read articles on communication strategy. Sometimes I focus about message delivery (e.g., phone or email). For example, I will send a text message after a bad phone conversation to say we need to continue working together. The amount of effort required to communicate is sometimes just plain tiring. I feel like I am training to be a PR person or a counselor.
Although my ex and I differ about my autistic son's needs, I have tried and will continue to try being consistent about my perspective. Every time I talk to my ex, I don't fabricate issues; I speak about the events I observe. I attempt to share what I have learned from counselors and teachers who have shared their wisdom with me. My ex says he wants to treat my autistic son like a typical child and not be so constrained by rules and structure, but maybe one day he will understand. I have only the future success of my children at heart. When I communicate what I see and understand, I do so as an advocate and not as a control freak mom bent on making my sons into "momma's boys."
My oldest son is on the autistic spectrum (PDD-NOS), and one challenge he faces is self-regulation. This means that he occasionally does not deal well with change and may cry as a result of the stress he experiences. This evening, my ex was contending that it was unusual for these melt-downs to occur. How would he know? I spend most of my day at home whereas he sees his kids less than 8 hours a week. I know my kids well and would not exaggerate about their health, their needs, or potential issues.
My ex has never accepted my oldest son's autism. As a result, he has always had problems understanding the commitment and lifestyle necessary to raising an autistic child. He spends his limited time with my autistic son doing a limited range of activities. I can't change his attitudes and interactions, but I try not to exaggerate about my son's needs, his progress, or his issues. In fact, my wish is for my ex to make the same commitments I have made.
I often spend too much time thinking about how to convince my ex that my autistic son has special needs and that we need to deal with issues now rather than deny that a problem exists. I occasionally read articles on communication strategy. Sometimes I focus about message delivery (e.g., phone or email). For example, I will send a text message after a bad phone conversation to say we need to continue working together. The amount of effort required to communicate is sometimes just plain tiring. I feel like I am training to be a PR person or a counselor.
Although my ex and I differ about my autistic son's needs, I have tried and will continue to try being consistent about my perspective. Every time I talk to my ex, I don't fabricate issues; I speak about the events I observe. I attempt to share what I have learned from counselors and teachers who have shared their wisdom with me. My ex says he wants to treat my autistic son like a typical child and not be so constrained by rules and structure, but maybe one day he will understand. I have only the future success of my children at heart. When I communicate what I see and understand, I do so as an advocate and not as a control freak mom bent on making my sons into "momma's boys."
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
5 Ways to be Civil
My ex and his ability to spend on his new girlfriend often leave me with no desire to be civil. I could care less that his girlfriend gets a new necklace or studs. I am more interested in sending my kids to a good pre-school or finding the right toy for my autistic son. Differences aside, I need to have some ground for civility because my ex does call or stop by to talk to the kids.
Over the past few months, I have found five ways to maintain civility. I won't be on the friendship boat with my ex anytime soon, but the seas are less turbulent when I keep a modicum of civility about.
1. Give advice on small things when sincerely asked. My ex does not seem to have any eye for detail. The other day, he asked about the nearest ice cream stores in our town. I told him about Baskin Robbins because he likes their shakes, and he could not believe he lived within walking distance of a Baskin Robbins. The store has been in the same location forever, but he just does not pay attention to his surroundings. By answering such a simple question about ice cream stores, I proved I could carry on some for of conversation without being cynical.
2. Do small favors from time to time. The other day my ex called and wanted help locating a business document in his files. I helped him search for a few minutes. He actually said thank you. This is a rare occurrence and meant that my help was acknowledged. I won't do any big favors since he's the one who decided to leave the marriage and in my book has lost the right to use me as a support in his life. I do however believe that small favors can go a long way to being building a base to communicate.
3. Plan the timing and place of where to discuss difficult topics. Since I am still in the process of formal separation, I occasionally need to discuss things like property separation issues. Because this is a painful subject and usually leads to an argument, I plan how and where to have a discussion. This usually helps to at least get my foot in the door on a difficult conversation before the door is slammed on my foot.
4. Don't always focus on who to blame when something goes wrong. About two weeks ago, my ex was playing rough with my kids, and my youngest smashed up his gums and chipped a front tooth. Instead of admonishing my ex for his lack of oversight, I focussed on asking questions about what happened. I was able to get enough detail about the accident to learn that my ex was careless, but more importantly I learned that the accident was minor. A dentist said my youngest son was okay, and I did not get the silent treatment or overprotective mommy label from my ex.
5. Some days, it's best not to say anything. A little more than two months ago, my ex unexpectedly took money that I was planning to use for paying bills. I suspect he gave the money to his girlfriend because he just can't seem to stop spending money on her. Anyway, I had to cut off all communications for a couple days and think about how to talk to him. I can't help him if he eventually spends himself into no money on his girlfriend, but I need to make sure his child support payments are there for the kids' needs. (It takes time to set up payroll garnishment and I need to do keep child support payments coming in the meantime.) A couple days of avoidance gave me time to cool down before opening Pandora's money box again.
Separation or divorce are just messy. It's often a "he said, she said" game with no winner at the end of the day. For me, a little civility just opens the door to the possibility of having a conversation.
Over the past few months, I have found five ways to maintain civility. I won't be on the friendship boat with my ex anytime soon, but the seas are less turbulent when I keep a modicum of civility about.
1. Give advice on small things when sincerely asked. My ex does not seem to have any eye for detail. The other day, he asked about the nearest ice cream stores in our town. I told him about Baskin Robbins because he likes their shakes, and he could not believe he lived within walking distance of a Baskin Robbins. The store has been in the same location forever, but he just does not pay attention to his surroundings. By answering such a simple question about ice cream stores, I proved I could carry on some for of conversation without being cynical.
2. Do small favors from time to time. The other day my ex called and wanted help locating a business document in his files. I helped him search for a few minutes. He actually said thank you. This is a rare occurrence and meant that my help was acknowledged. I won't do any big favors since he's the one who decided to leave the marriage and in my book has lost the right to use me as a support in his life. I do however believe that small favors can go a long way to being building a base to communicate.
3. Plan the timing and place of where to discuss difficult topics. Since I am still in the process of formal separation, I occasionally need to discuss things like property separation issues. Because this is a painful subject and usually leads to an argument, I plan how and where to have a discussion. This usually helps to at least get my foot in the door on a difficult conversation before the door is slammed on my foot.
4. Don't always focus on who to blame when something goes wrong. About two weeks ago, my ex was playing rough with my kids, and my youngest smashed up his gums and chipped a front tooth. Instead of admonishing my ex for his lack of oversight, I focussed on asking questions about what happened. I was able to get enough detail about the accident to learn that my ex was careless, but more importantly I learned that the accident was minor. A dentist said my youngest son was okay, and I did not get the silent treatment or overprotective mommy label from my ex.
5. Some days, it's best not to say anything. A little more than two months ago, my ex unexpectedly took money that I was planning to use for paying bills. I suspect he gave the money to his girlfriend because he just can't seem to stop spending money on her. Anyway, I had to cut off all communications for a couple days and think about how to talk to him. I can't help him if he eventually spends himself into no money on his girlfriend, but I need to make sure his child support payments are there for the kids' needs. (It takes time to set up payroll garnishment and I need to do keep child support payments coming in the meantime.) A couple days of avoidance gave me time to cool down before opening Pandora's money box again.
Separation or divorce are just messy. It's often a "he said, she said" game with no winner at the end of the day. For me, a little civility just opens the door to the possibility of having a conversation.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Having Trouble Dropping the Past
I am now seven months along in a separation from my ex and unlike being pregnant with a definitive due date, I just can't see the end of arguments about the past. Just today, I found out that my ex posted a picture of his girlfriend on Facebook. (She's a major reason for the separation.) In my humble opinion, this was just plain tacky. But aside from my opinion, my problem is that every time I discover some new thing about him, I end up more hurt. This in turn makes talking about any subject almost impossible. There is no safe topic--not even the weather.
Many negotiation and communication books offer loads of advice on the topic of improving communication between separated and divorced couples. One example of this advice is there is no right or wrong answer to the past. Each person has his or her own why's and how's about how a relationship failed. Many times, a person's opinion just can't be changed. In my case, I would interpret my ex's failure at marriage as his inability to tough out a special needs child and his overwhelming need to be self-important. My ex would say I let the relationship fail because I did not put him above my child. The advice of experts is helpful for self-introspection, but it often takes weeks, months, or years to sink in. As I said in the beginning, I just don't see the end even after seven months.
So in the meantime, I am trying my best to cope. I try to stay neutral when I talk to my ex on the phone. I don't talk negatively about my ex in front of the kids. I attempt to realize that I can't change my ex, even though I have known him for 15 years and he is now a mystery to me. This helps to some degree, but I still get stick in the rut of communicating my feelings and my side of the story, especially when I see hurtful things like the picture of my ex's girlfriend posted on his Facebook page.
Today, in response to my discovery of the girlfriend Facebook posting, I sent my ex an email through Facebook's "Send Message" feature. I sent a message that included the following excerpt,
I did not share the entire email, but my ex got my high-horse attitude, and he even called late at night to tell me he hid the girlfriend's picture so it's no longer public. He was annoyed at my email and bringing up his affair for the umpteenth time.
I hope someday that he grows up enough so that I can find some ground for talking to him again without arguments or hurt feelings. I hope that I can listen to experts and practice their advice. It's just not so easy to start.
Many negotiation and communication books offer loads of advice on the topic of improving communication between separated and divorced couples. One example of this advice is there is no right or wrong answer to the past. Each person has his or her own why's and how's about how a relationship failed. Many times, a person's opinion just can't be changed. In my case, I would interpret my ex's failure at marriage as his inability to tough out a special needs child and his overwhelming need to be self-important. My ex would say I let the relationship fail because I did not put him above my child. The advice of experts is helpful for self-introspection, but it often takes weeks, months, or years to sink in. As I said in the beginning, I just don't see the end even after seven months.
So in the meantime, I am trying my best to cope. I try to stay neutral when I talk to my ex on the phone. I don't talk negatively about my ex in front of the kids. I attempt to realize that I can't change my ex, even though I have known him for 15 years and he is now a mystery to me. This helps to some degree, but I still get stick in the rut of communicating my feelings and my side of the story, especially when I see hurtful things like the picture of my ex's girlfriend posted on his Facebook page.
Today, in response to my discovery of the girlfriend Facebook posting, I sent my ex an email through Facebook's "Send Message" feature. I sent a message that included the following excerpt,
"I can not change the outcome of his actions--carpe diem is his mantra. I do however have the power to look after two beautiful children who love unconditionally and bring me joy everyday. I can foster the growth of two young boys into becoming two good men who will put others' needs in the same league as their own needs. I can hope that when my sons become fathers that they understand the word commitment and sacrifice even in the most difficult times.
Rock on carpe diem. Go on and count the increasing number of virtual friends on Facebook to feel self-important. Talk about "complicated" relationships with people who may only care about you for your money. Take the easy path through life instead of toughing it out and seeing the big picture beyond next month, next year. At the end of the day, kids and family are life's real support and source of strength--the ones who support you, stick with with you and remember you. They are not just a virtual experience."
I did not share the entire email, but my ex got my high-horse attitude, and he even called late at night to tell me he hid the girlfriend's picture so it's no longer public. He was annoyed at my email and bringing up his affair for the umpteenth time.
I hope someday that he grows up enough so that I can find some ground for talking to him again without arguments or hurt feelings. I hope that I can listen to experts and practice their advice. It's just not so easy to start.
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