Lying in marriage is disbelief when separated

My ex called this weekend and said he may lose his job or could be reassigned to an uninteresting position. He said his boss' job was potentially on the chopping block and the same could hold true for his job. This information immediately evoked two reactions from me. The first was that my ex needed to give me proof that any pink slip was not a resignation. The second was how am I suppose or take care of two babies when my ex can't or won't keep a job. Needless to say my ex did not stop by to visit the kids for several days because he was upset at me about my lack of sympathy for his situation.

My ex has a strong history of lying about his transgressions. He lied about his affair, the money he spends on his girlfriend when the money is suppose to go to the his kids, and about his feelings toward me. My ex has also recently been saying he needs to move because he can't afford to live where he's at. Given that he has issues being honest with me, a girlfriend in Canada (3000 miles away), and a desire to move, it's not out of the question that he would lie to me about quiting his job. Even today, I put this scenario forward during a phone call and he got defensive although he did not disagree with what I was saying. As far as I have ever known, you just can't regularly lie and then expect someone to believe you.

Aside from my ex telling too many lies, he never seems to place his kids as the highest priority in life. He wants his kids taken care of, but he's not willing to go the extra mile or make the extra sacrifice for his kids to have a good life. Now it may be too much to expect someone to live by this ideal, but this is how I was raised. My parents went out their way so that I could have more opportunities in life. When my ex spoke of a possible lay off from his current job, he did not bring up the subject of how to take care of the kids if his job does not work out. The only topic of interest was his need for sympathy concerning his career. Given my beliefs about family first, I did not understand his self-focus. I know that maintaining a career is important, but family well-being is more important to me. My thought is that he should have been focussed on making sure he could provide for his family even if it meant looking for work on the side or looking for other jobs should his current one come to an end.

I think my ex believes he deserves sympathy from everyone in his life. He expects people to put him first. I believe one reason reconciliation with my ex will be painstakingly difficult is that he has difficulty putting others first unless they out him first. There is no sense of selflessness in his beliefs.

What to Do When the Ex Plans His New Next Life

It may be inevitable. The person you married has moved on and is making new commitments while you are still coping with the aftermath of a break-up. Your ex may be planning on moving in with someone else or even relocating to a new city for the new significant other? What do you do?

First, if you are in the middle of separation or divorce paperwork, see if there are any issues with the legal process. In many states, both parties may be required to complete certain paperwork before a move is possible. If there are kids involved, this could mean amending any existing child custody agreement. Talking to a legal professional is a great way to prepare for this scenario.

Second, make sure you have copies of necessary personal information like date of birth, social security number, credit card numbers, and recent pay stubs. This type of information makes it easier to track someone as they set up a new residence or look for new employment. Even go so far as to have an up-to-date photograph of the person in case his or her appearance has changed over time.

Third, mentally prepare for this event in some way. If you are fortunate enough to have been the one ending the relationship, then this may not be a difficult step. For the rest of us however who were caught off-guard, this event will take time. Sometimes, you can deal with this event simply by talking to friends or family. Other times, it may take talking to a counselor. I have even known some people who took a year off to travel because of the need to use distance as space to heal. Whatever pain you feel will soften over time. To me, the biggest lever to preparing is time. Six months of time to gradually cope will leave you more prepared to move on than a two-week intensive boot-camp experience.

Fourth, find ways that you can move forward even if this means forcing your hand. Go out with friends more often to dinner or to other social venues. Think about what type of partner you see yourself with in the future. Take an online personality quiz and see how you fare, There are many ways you can move forward even if it's one step at a time.

As for me, I know that my ex has been dropping hints for a few months that he wants to move on with a life that includes a new significant other. He has been saying things like "I can't afford to live here anymore." or "I may need to live with a roommate you won't like." His inability to be subtle in his comments or actions makes it easier for me to see where he stands. Oddly enough, this behavior has helped me to gain perspective and prepare for whatever may come next.

5 Ways to be Civil

My ex and his ability to spend on his new girlfriend often leave me with no desire to be civil. I could care less that his girlfriend gets a new necklace or studs. I am more interested in sending my kids to a good pre-school or finding the right toy for my autistic son. Differences aside, I need to have some ground for civility because my ex does call or stop by to talk to the kids.

Over the past few months, I have found five ways to maintain civility. I won't be on the friendship boat with my ex anytime soon, but the seas are less turbulent when I keep a modicum of civility about.

1. Give advice on small things when sincerely asked. My ex does not seem to have any eye for detail. The other day, he asked about the nearest ice cream stores in our town. I told him about Baskin Robbins because he likes their shakes, and he could not believe he lived within walking distance of a Baskin Robbins. The store has been in the same location forever, but he just does not pay attention to his surroundings. By answering such a simple question about ice cream stores, I proved I could carry on some for of conversation without being cynical.

2. Do small favors from time to time. The other day my ex called and wanted help locating a business document in his files. I helped him search for a few minutes. He actually said thank you. This is a rare occurrence and meant that my help was acknowledged. I won't do any big favors since he's the one who decided to leave the marriage and in my book has lost the right to use me as a support in his life. I do however believe that small favors can go a long way to being building a base to communicate.

3. Plan the timing and place of where to discuss difficult topics. Since I am still in the process of formal separation, I occasionally need to discuss things like property separation issues. Because this is a painful subject and usually leads to an argument, I plan how and where to have a discussion. This usually helps to at least get my foot in the door on a difficult conversation before the door is slammed on my foot.

4. Don't always focus on who to blame when something goes wrong. About two weeks ago, my ex was playing rough with my kids, and my youngest smashed up his gums and chipped a front tooth. Instead of admonishing my ex for his lack of oversight, I focussed on asking questions about what happened. I was able to get enough detail about the accident to learn that my ex was careless, but more importantly I learned that the accident was minor. A dentist said my youngest son was okay, and I did not get the silent treatment or overprotective mommy label from my ex.

5. Some days, it's best not to say anything. A little more than two months ago, my ex unexpectedly took money that I was planning to use for paying bills. I suspect he gave the money to his girlfriend because he just can't seem to stop spending money on her. Anyway, I had to cut off all communications for a couple days and think about how to talk to him. I can't help him if he eventually spends himself into no money on his girlfriend, but I need to make sure his child support payments are there for the kids' needs. (It takes time to set up payroll garnishment and I need to do keep child support payments coming in the meantime.) A couple days of avoidance gave me time to cool down before opening Pandora's money box again.

Separation or divorce are just messy. It's often a "he said, she said" game with no winner at the end of the day. For me, a little civility just opens the door to the possibility of having a conversation.

A Small Exercise in Civility Goes a Long Way

In my first posting to this blog, I said that "You don't have to like an ex, you just have to be civil." I occasionally forget to practice this advice when I bring up the past--another thing to avoid, but today I followed my advice. My ex called from New York and asked if I could search through his business files for an important document. Instead of telling him I wasn't his secretary or mother, I went ahead and searched through his files.

I really wanted to tell him that our separation means that I am not there for him and that he relinquished his rights to ask for help, but I bit my tongue. I spent a few minutes assisting him because I knew he had no else to help him . It is in these small instances that I can maintain some level of civility and prove that I am capable of being a bigger person than my ex for all his pettiness.

In following this advice, I put money in my relationship bank account and now have a little credit for some future date where I may not be as civil. For example, when I need my ex to pay his share of a future medical expense for one of the kids and he says no way, I have some leverage to convince him to listen to me. A little civility reduces the risk of my ex hanging up the phone. Being civil in little ways builds a bridge to the times when talking is not so easy.