I Wish My Ex Would Accept My Son's Play Needs

On many occasions I will attempt to talk about my oldest son's autism with my ex. I usually bring up the subject when my ex is not interacting appropriately with my son. One example was my husband's attempt to fly my son around as Superman and lightly bang my son's head into a wall. My son liked his head hitting the wall so much that he walked around after the flying and banged his own head into the walls around my home. It may not seem like a big deal, but he was banging his head repeatedly and doing so pretty hard because he liked the sensation. He was stimulating himself with his head-banging.

I told my ex to change his Superman game with my son so that this game would not encourage head-banging. Well, my ex stopped the game all-together instead of listening to my suggestion about a change because I was "telling him what to do." Unfortunately, I often end up the bad guy with my ex because he sees me as policing his fun. He thinks that my son should be allowed to play like a typical child and not be so constrained or structured in how he plays. This attitude constantly causes me grief.

My autistic son does not understand gray areas like other children. If a game involves something potentially unsafe or a pretend skill such as gently tapping his head or hand on something, he goes right into an unsafe mode of operation. For him, the danger is funny; he actually laughs and will repeat an unsafe activity until redirected. It's difficult to explain to others including my ex that he needs structured and directed play because he looks like (and to some extent talks) like a typical child.

I have not yet found a way to convince my ex that there are many ways to facilitate safe and fun play with my autistic son. The best solution so far has been to go to a park or a restaurant--a place where there is distraction for my ex. I am hoping that as my son gets older, the need for a high degree of facilitated play will decrease. This is probably the only way that my ex will be more accepting of my son.

I Am Not Lying About the Autism

My ex phoned me from Boston today to talk to the kids. He started the conversation with a basic "How are you?" and then asked about the kids. It was a neutral conversation and moved along quickly as we talked about the day's activities--pre-school and art classes. But for some reason, when I said I needed to go because my autistic son was just having a melt-down, my ex said he didn't understand. My ex's denial was back, and he hung up on me rather than listening to what I had to say.

My oldest son is on the autistic spectrum (PDD-NOS), and one challenge he faces is self-regulation. This means that he occasionally does not deal well with change and may cry as a result of the stress he experiences. This evening, my ex was contending that it was unusual for these melt-downs to occur. How would he know? I spend most of my day at home whereas he sees his kids less than 8 hours a week. I know my kids well and would not exaggerate about their health, their needs, or potential issues.

My ex has never accepted my oldest son's autism. As a result, he has always had problems understanding the commitment and lifestyle necessary to raising an autistic child. He spends his limited time with my autistic son doing a limited range of activities. I can't change his attitudes and interactions, but I try not to exaggerate about my son's needs, his progress, or his issues. In fact, my wish is for my ex to make the same commitments I have made.

I often spend too much time thinking about how to convince my ex that my autistic son has special needs and that we need to deal with issues now rather than deny that a problem exists. I occasionally read articles on communication strategy. Sometimes I focus about message delivery (e.g., phone or email). For example, I will send a text message after a bad phone conversation to say we need to continue working together. The amount of effort required to communicate is sometimes just plain tiring. I feel like I am training to be a PR person or a counselor.

Although my ex and I differ about my autistic son's needs, I have tried and will continue to try being consistent about my perspective. Every time I talk to my ex, I don't fabricate issues; I speak about the events I observe. I attempt to share what I have learned from counselors and teachers who have shared their wisdom with me. My ex says he wants to treat my autistic son like a typical child and not be so constrained by rules and structure, but maybe one day he will understand. I have only the future success of my children at heart. When I communicate what I see and understand, I do so as an advocate and not as a control freak mom bent on making my sons into "momma's boys."