Today at the park my ex said he wasted the first 40 years of his life. How dare he. Living through one difficult period in life does not constitute 40 years of life experience. His parents are wonderful people who worked hard to give him a safe and happy upbringing. He went to top-rated universities for undergraduate and graduate school. He has traveled and seen more of the world in the past 20 years than most people see in a lifetime. Finally, he wanted and has 2 beautiful children who need a positive role model--not an excuse-generating, negative, bitter parent.
I believe my ex's fatalist attitude is what keeps my ex in his state of depression. He won't seek help and refuses to talk to his family. At the end of the day, if he does not face his issues and begin to cope in some way, his issues will never be resolved. At best, his issues will be buried.
I use the word "issues" often because my ex went through 3 years of career confusion, online gaming addiction, responding to craigslist personal adds, recklessly spending money, and a long-distance affair. This is simply a short-list, but it is not difficult to understand the complexity of his troubles. He got lost in an ocean and does not know how to find land.
To go through a few years of difficulty and to react to circumstances instead of coping can lead to big life changes. I believe there is also a big attitude adjustment that comes about as well--positive or negative, just not neutral. When my ex said he wasted 40 years of his life, i believe he is experiencing a negative outcome to a few bad years of life and not using his experiences as a a catalyst for positive growth. Unfortunately, the nexus of a few difficult life episodes left him grieving for himself and then becoming narcissistic. The end result is no good memories about the past and only self-gratification as a source of happiness for the future.
If he would do the work to move out of this dark point in life, he might see some light in the months and years ahead. Unfortunately, this work is not easy. It involves introspection and a review of potentially difficult questions about self-image. I hope one day, my ex realizes that he does have a choice in creating a better future and that his past was a growing experience toward building a better future.
Showing posts with label Separated. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Separated. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Lying in marriage is disbelief when separated
My ex called this weekend and said he may lose his job or could be reassigned to an uninteresting position. He said his boss' job was potentially on the chopping block and the same could hold true for his job. This information immediately evoked two reactions from me. The first was that my ex needed to give me proof that any pink slip was not a resignation. The second was how am I suppose or take care of two babies when my ex can't or won't keep a job. Needless to say my ex did not stop by to visit the kids for several days because he was upset at me about my lack of sympathy for his situation.
My ex has a strong history of lying about his transgressions. He lied about his affair, the money he spends on his girlfriend when the money is suppose to go to the his kids, and about his feelings toward me. My ex has also recently been saying he needs to move because he can't afford to live where he's at. Given that he has issues being honest with me, a girlfriend in Canada (3000 miles away), and a desire to move, it's not out of the question that he would lie to me about quiting his job. Even today, I put this scenario forward during a phone call and he got defensive although he did not disagree with what I was saying. As far as I have ever known, you just can't regularly lie and then expect someone to believe you.
Aside from my ex telling too many lies, he never seems to place his kids as the highest priority in life. He wants his kids taken care of, but he's not willing to go the extra mile or make the extra sacrifice for his kids to have a good life. Now it may be too much to expect someone to live by this ideal, but this is how I was raised. My parents went out their way so that I could have more opportunities in life. When my ex spoke of a possible lay off from his current job, he did not bring up the subject of how to take care of the kids if his job does not work out. The only topic of interest was his need for sympathy concerning his career. Given my beliefs about family first, I did not understand his self-focus. I know that maintaining a career is important, but family well-being is more important to me. My thought is that he should have been focussed on making sure he could provide for his family even if it meant looking for work on the side or looking for other jobs should his current one come to an end.
I think my ex believes he deserves sympathy from everyone in his life. He expects people to put him first. I believe one reason reconciliation with my ex will be painstakingly difficult is that he has difficulty putting others first unless they out him first. There is no sense of selflessness in his beliefs.
My ex has a strong history of lying about his transgressions. He lied about his affair, the money he spends on his girlfriend when the money is suppose to go to the his kids, and about his feelings toward me. My ex has also recently been saying he needs to move because he can't afford to live where he's at. Given that he has issues being honest with me, a girlfriend in Canada (3000 miles away), and a desire to move, it's not out of the question that he would lie to me about quiting his job. Even today, I put this scenario forward during a phone call and he got defensive although he did not disagree with what I was saying. As far as I have ever known, you just can't regularly lie and then expect someone to believe you.
Aside from my ex telling too many lies, he never seems to place his kids as the highest priority in life. He wants his kids taken care of, but he's not willing to go the extra mile or make the extra sacrifice for his kids to have a good life. Now it may be too much to expect someone to live by this ideal, but this is how I was raised. My parents went out their way so that I could have more opportunities in life. When my ex spoke of a possible lay off from his current job, he did not bring up the subject of how to take care of the kids if his job does not work out. The only topic of interest was his need for sympathy concerning his career. Given my beliefs about family first, I did not understand his self-focus. I know that maintaining a career is important, but family well-being is more important to me. My thought is that he should have been focussed on making sure he could provide for his family even if it meant looking for work on the side or looking for other jobs should his current one come to an end.
I think my ex believes he deserves sympathy from everyone in his life. He expects people to put him first. I believe one reason reconciliation with my ex will be painstakingly difficult is that he has difficulty putting others first unless they out him first. There is no sense of selflessness in his beliefs.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Excessive Flirting Is Not OK!
Over the past week, I found out that my ex excessively flirted with female friends during the last few years at parties we had at our home. The most recent flirt was with a female friend who was visiting from out-of-town--a woman I'll call K. According to guests at the party, K and my ex were rubbing toes under the table or K was sitting in my ex's lap for a good part of the night. Apparently, a number of friends saw this behavior and were disgusted because my ex was still "happily married" at the time. Had I known about this incident, this event would have been the warning that my ex needed to go.
My ex thought there was nothing wrong with this behavior. He said he sometimes flirted--which includes a little feeling around--when he drank. I did not know what to think at first. I was a little surprised because I don't consider this appropriate behavior if in a committed relationship. I also thought that this behavior was degrading to anyone in a committed relationship. My rule for this situation would be no groping outside the relationship.
I realize that everyone is different in what's deemed acceptable flirting. Sometimes, an arm over the shoulder or a small comment may fine. For some people, the act of a significant other sitting on a another person's lap is fine. But where is the line drawn on innocent flirting? When does flirting transition to a pick-up? For me, this definitely includes "copping a feel" of another person's private areas-- a rather obvious place to draw the line. But I also think excessive time spent on the phone or IM may also go too far. In today's world, this is one way to start a relationship based on emotional connection first followed by physical connection. Everyone has their own boundaries about flirting when in a relationship, but flirting should have some boundaries.
Excessive flirting with others outside of a relationship can be hurtful. Why be in a relationship if the desire is to seek out other people? Being in a relationship should mean being committed to another person and only to that person. If there are issues that lead to flirting, deal with the issues first before going too far. This will solve years of future pain and suffering.
To me, flirting is disrespectful. My expectation of a partner is for that person to want to be with me over other people. I expect this choice to be a conscientious choice not made lightly. I understand that the world have millions of people and therefore, millions of choices. If my partner has the choice of being with me, then I expect my partner to respect me and let me know when there are issues. I also expect my partner to have some restraint even when attracted to another person. Restraint in certain behaviors and open communication are two symbols of being respectful. Excessive flirting violates the respect of a committed relationship.
I can't change my past relationship with my ex. I can only carry on what I have learned to a future relationship. One lesson will be I do not tolerate excessive flirting.
My ex thought there was nothing wrong with this behavior. He said he sometimes flirted--which includes a little feeling around--when he drank. I did not know what to think at first. I was a little surprised because I don't consider this appropriate behavior if in a committed relationship. I also thought that this behavior was degrading to anyone in a committed relationship. My rule for this situation would be no groping outside the relationship.
I realize that everyone is different in what's deemed acceptable flirting. Sometimes, an arm over the shoulder or a small comment may fine. For some people, the act of a significant other sitting on a another person's lap is fine. But where is the line drawn on innocent flirting? When does flirting transition to a pick-up? For me, this definitely includes "copping a feel" of another person's private areas-- a rather obvious place to draw the line. But I also think excessive time spent on the phone or IM may also go too far. In today's world, this is one way to start a relationship based on emotional connection first followed by physical connection. Everyone has their own boundaries about flirting when in a relationship, but flirting should have some boundaries.
Excessive flirting with others outside of a relationship can be hurtful. Why be in a relationship if the desire is to seek out other people? Being in a relationship should mean being committed to another person and only to that person. If there are issues that lead to flirting, deal with the issues first before going too far. This will solve years of future pain and suffering.
To me, flirting is disrespectful. My expectation of a partner is for that person to want to be with me over other people. I expect this choice to be a conscientious choice not made lightly. I understand that the world have millions of people and therefore, millions of choices. If my partner has the choice of being with me, then I expect my partner to respect me and let me know when there are issues. I also expect my partner to have some restraint even when attracted to another person. Restraint in certain behaviors and open communication are two symbols of being respectful. Excessive flirting violates the respect of a committed relationship.
I can't change my past relationship with my ex. I can only carry on what I have learned to a future relationship. One lesson will be I do not tolerate excessive flirting.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I Won't Rescue A Non-Existent Relationship
TheRescueMarriage.com has an article entitled "Improve Marriage Tips." Once upon a time in my formerly married life, I spent time looking for advice and ideas such as those contained in this article to improve my marriage, but found out that all the advice had underlying assumptions. For examples, relationship advice makes sense if you believe you marriage is salvageable, but not if your choice is salvage yourself or salvage your relationship. Or it does not work if your relationship is simply non-existent. My choice was really that my marriage was non-existent, but the sad part of my story is that I had to force this conclusion out of an ex whose cowardice made my life much more painful to reach the conclusion.
My marriage started to fade after my first son was born. My ex wanted kids, but was not into kids. My perspective is that he wanted kids like he wanted all the toys in his life--things there for his amusement. In fact, he collected things he wanted--power tools, a pick-up truck, computers, etc. He rarely spent time interacting with the kids, just patting them on the head in passing.
After having two children in two years and having to face a business that failed, my ex became extraordinarily disinterested in his home life. He lived in his office and came to bed long after I went to sleep. He spoke for hours on end to the people in his Everquest (EQ2) guild, and Everquest had become his daily lifeline. The only stable factor in his life was his job, and he constantly talked about quitting. He had all the hallmark signs of wanting to leave our marriage and find a new life. He just could not admit it to himself or to me.
Instead of being honest, my ex dragged his feet for months. I would ask him the typical "What's wrong?" questions and tell him that we (or he alone) should see a counselor. I tried to engage him at different levels like asking about Everquest. In the end, all I ever got was "I don't want to hurt you." After a 15 year relationship, this was all my ex had to say--like I was some china doll!
To add insult to injury, he started an affair with someone from his Everquest guild before even letting me know he had issues. He spent vast quantities of money (e.g., buying a custom gaming computer) on his girlfriend. He planned a couple weekend trips and made up weak excuses to cover his tracks. I constantly caught him lying and spending money, and he would create new lies. It was almost like he was an addict! Silly and naive me. I thought he would confront me first about our relationship issues and then try to start a new relationship after ending ours.
The advice sites that tell you to be honest and to forgive the transgressions of others mean well, but these rules do not apply when both parties are not on equal ground. The honesty factor to me is the most important advice because it is the basis of trust. Both parties in a relationship have to be honest for trust to exist. Forgiveness in my book is predicated by making amends--atoning for wrongs.
My ex is still not honest to this day about his relationship. Even though we are separated, he still tries to give big gifts to his girlfriend that come close to interfering with child support. (He does not even remember his sons' birthdays.) With no honesty, I have no trust in him. And what forgiveness? With my ex's constant lying and inability take make any amends, forgiveness is a long-term goal.
FYI. I personally think my ex went shopping for a girlfriend because he's the type of guy who could not survive emotionally on his own. He needs someone to constantly feed his ego. As he once told me, "Wife first, then kids." He's Mr. Fabulous, I have no issues, let me introduce you to my girlfriend who thinks I'm fabulous. He needs a woman who is insecure enough to cowtow to his ego in public and at most, berate him in private. We all need to have some self-importance and need a positive self-image, but at what price?
My marriage started to fade after my first son was born. My ex wanted kids, but was not into kids. My perspective is that he wanted kids like he wanted all the toys in his life--things there for his amusement. In fact, he collected things he wanted--power tools, a pick-up truck, computers, etc. He rarely spent time interacting with the kids, just patting them on the head in passing.
After having two children in two years and having to face a business that failed, my ex became extraordinarily disinterested in his home life. He lived in his office and came to bed long after I went to sleep. He spoke for hours on end to the people in his Everquest (EQ2) guild, and Everquest had become his daily lifeline. The only stable factor in his life was his job, and he constantly talked about quitting. He had all the hallmark signs of wanting to leave our marriage and find a new life. He just could not admit it to himself or to me.
Instead of being honest, my ex dragged his feet for months. I would ask him the typical "What's wrong?" questions and tell him that we (or he alone) should see a counselor. I tried to engage him at different levels like asking about Everquest. In the end, all I ever got was "I don't want to hurt you." After a 15 year relationship, this was all my ex had to say--like I was some china doll!
To add insult to injury, he started an affair with someone from his Everquest guild before even letting me know he had issues. He spent vast quantities of money (e.g., buying a custom gaming computer) on his girlfriend. He planned a couple weekend trips and made up weak excuses to cover his tracks. I constantly caught him lying and spending money, and he would create new lies. It was almost like he was an addict! Silly and naive me. I thought he would confront me first about our relationship issues and then try to start a new relationship after ending ours.
The advice sites that tell you to be honest and to forgive the transgressions of others mean well, but these rules do not apply when both parties are not on equal ground. The honesty factor to me is the most important advice because it is the basis of trust. Both parties in a relationship have to be honest for trust to exist. Forgiveness in my book is predicated by making amends--atoning for wrongs.
My ex is still not honest to this day about his relationship. Even though we are separated, he still tries to give big gifts to his girlfriend that come close to interfering with child support. (He does not even remember his sons' birthdays.) With no honesty, I have no trust in him. And what forgiveness? With my ex's constant lying and inability take make any amends, forgiveness is a long-term goal.
FYI. I personally think my ex went shopping for a girlfriend because he's the type of guy who could not survive emotionally on his own. He needs someone to constantly feed his ego. As he once told me, "Wife first, then kids." He's Mr. Fabulous, I have no issues, let me introduce you to my girlfriend who thinks I'm fabulous. He needs a woman who is insecure enough to cowtow to his ego in public and at most, berate him in private. We all need to have some self-importance and need a positive self-image, but at what price?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I Don't Tolerate Girlfriends on the Side
In late 2006 when I found out that my ex had a girlfriend while still married to me, I told my ex that I would not compete for him. I gave an ultimatum of the girlfriend goes or I go. At first he tried to convince me the girlfriend was out. Then he told me he needed to check on her and make sure she was okay--telling me he would then only keep out of contact for the short-term. I don't know about other people but what I am suppose to believe about someone who was running two women in his life? Hoe do I believe someone with a moving storyline? I did not sign up for marriage with a player.
The sad reality was that my ex had no idea what to do. I think he felt trapped, and he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too. He wanted his girlfriend who lived in British Columbia. He also wanted to come home and see his kids every night, have home-cooked meals and not participate in domestic responsibility. To me he was being delusional. Maybe some women put up this nonsense, but I would rather walk away. And that's what I did.
I did try to give my ex chances. I attempted marriage counseling. I also tried to believe his lies (at least until I could find proof that he was lying). For example, while I was working one Saturday till 4 AM trying to prep a house for sale, my ex took his girlfriend on a weekend trip. He even tried calling me and asking if everything was going well. Needless to say, I hung up on him because he took a trip on a weekend where I needed his help. Initially, I had to believe his trip with a college buddy story because I had no proof. Then I started searching through his financial records because I suspected he was up to no good. Eventually I found an airline ticket receipt with the girlfriend's name. My proof caused him to recant his story, but only after he gave me hell for spying on him. In all, I gave him about eight weeks of daily chances to come clean and prove that he was sorry and wanted me alone--no girlfriends please!
I was not surprised when I told my ex he had to go. He asked for this sentence with his ongoing lies and his inability to do the right thing for me--namely, get rid of the girlfriend. Sadly, I even found him his apartment because I knew he would go for the most expensive apartment on his own and not one that he could actually afford. Even today, I still pay a few joint bills because he just spends money frivolously. An example of this is when he buys his girlfriend a present and then tells me he needs money for food. (You would think someone like my ex with an ivy-league education would have more common sense.) Someday when the legal maneuverings are over, I hope to be free of being my ex's mommy. Maybe his girlfriend can deal with being his mommy.
The sad reality was that my ex had no idea what to do. I think he felt trapped, and he wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too. He wanted his girlfriend who lived in British Columbia. He also wanted to come home and see his kids every night, have home-cooked meals and not participate in domestic responsibility. To me he was being delusional. Maybe some women put up this nonsense, but I would rather walk away. And that's what I did.
I did try to give my ex chances. I attempted marriage counseling. I also tried to believe his lies (at least until I could find proof that he was lying). For example, while I was working one Saturday till 4 AM trying to prep a house for sale, my ex took his girlfriend on a weekend trip. He even tried calling me and asking if everything was going well. Needless to say, I hung up on him because he took a trip on a weekend where I needed his help. Initially, I had to believe his trip with a college buddy story because I had no proof. Then I started searching through his financial records because I suspected he was up to no good. Eventually I found an airline ticket receipt with the girlfriend's name. My proof caused him to recant his story, but only after he gave me hell for spying on him. In all, I gave him about eight weeks of daily chances to come clean and prove that he was sorry and wanted me alone--no girlfriends please!
I was not surprised when I told my ex he had to go. He asked for this sentence with his ongoing lies and his inability to do the right thing for me--namely, get rid of the girlfriend. Sadly, I even found him his apartment because I knew he would go for the most expensive apartment on his own and not one that he could actually afford. Even today, I still pay a few joint bills because he just spends money frivolously. An example of this is when he buys his girlfriend a present and then tells me he needs money for food. (You would think someone like my ex with an ivy-league education would have more common sense.) Someday when the legal maneuverings are over, I hope to be free of being my ex's mommy. Maybe his girlfriend can deal with being his mommy.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Build a New Self. Do Not Let Rejection Rule.
I was reading an article in Psychology Today by Carlin Flora entitled "Dumped, But Not Down" and found myself thinking that my ability to move forward was partially resulted from not fixating on a failed relationship. Instead, I regularly took steps that eventually lead me to believing in a new self-image and future of possibilities.
It's not be easy to take the first few steps back into the world without a significant other, but it is possible to create a new direction. Over time, accepting a new reality may lead to better self-esteem and maybe a better outlook on life.
1. Remember That Your Are a Good Person. An important base of my self-esteem is knowing I am a good person and that I did the right thing or took the right path. In the case my marriage, I know that I tried my best and did nothing to wrong my ex. I even attempted reconciliation before calling it quits. Even when my ex was lying to me, I tried to be honest about where I stood. By doing the right thing, I have a clean conscience and know that I set a good example for my kids. To me, being a good person gave me inner strength. I hope that can hold true for others.
2. Be Honest with Yourself. When I found out that my ex was cheating, I went through receipts, emails, etc. to find evidence because my ex was never truthful with me. After I found proof, I knew exactly where I stood, my marriage stood and my ex stood. I was brutally honest with myself about the details because I knew that the chance of reconciling my marriage was slim. Then, after discovering professions of love to another woman in my ex's writings, I knew my marriage was over. I felt hurt and betrayed for months, but it was easier to move forward. Accepting the true situation made me realize I needed to take care of myself and my kids. I had a new reality of being a single mom, and I could not change this destiny.
3. Stay Optimistic, Especially on Depressing Days. Optimism is not easy, and self-help books at most will help get you started. Optimism is a state of mind that you regularly work on and live in, especially in rough times. I have read books like "The Road to Optimism: Change Your Language-Change Your Life!" by J. Mitchell Perry and "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. These books talk about different aspects of living a positive life, but I found it worth reading a few books on the subject. To get through tough this tough situation, I needed tools to cope. Positive thinking makes to road to a "recovery" easier--stay focussed on positive things in your life and do not dwell on the failed marriage. (I even read books by Ghandi and Thich Nhat Hanh to obtain different perspectives on humankind.)
4. You Still Have a Future, Just a Different One. Being separated or divorced is scary. It's a complete identity change. By accepting the singledom identity, I am learning to accept myself and my new future as a single woman and mother, just like college days--except for two young kids, a mortgage, etc. Well, it's not exactly the same, but I have gotten use to the idea. Not embraced the idea, just accepted it. I am looking at my future without my ex. He will be in the kids' lives, but not in mine.
5. If You Tried Reconciliation, Then You Gave Him or Her a Chance. Separation or divorce occurs for many reasons. If reconciliation is given an honest chance to succeed, then the outcome should not be a regret. Either the relationship works or it does not. Either way, an honest try should make both parties involved feel like there was a genuine effort to make things work. In my case, my ex went to marriage counseling and attempted to reconcile while keeping his girlfriend on the side. He lied when I asked him to drop the girlfriend, and he lied when he said he would not give her anymore gifts or money. To me, his dishonesty gave me no choice but to separate. I did however make my ex say he wanted a separation because there was no way he was going to come back years later and say I was the one who wanted a separation. I know this sounds hokey, but this happened to my friend's mother. I gave my ex a chance, but I do not think he wanted to reconcile. I gave my ex a chance and feel that separation was the right thing. I have no guilt or regrets.
It's difficult to accept a new identity and future path. Losing a marriage is a blow to self-esteem and can be a difficult hurdle to jump when re-building self-esteem. Fixating on what was lost however will not make the future any easier to accept. Taking small steps to re-build an identity and a different life will pay off over time. If there are kids, they will see this and learn from this example.
NOTE: I saw a therapist after I was separated. I had to watch my spending and could not go frequently, but the therapist helped me understand my situation. Therapists and support groups are amazing resources in times of need.
It's not be easy to take the first few steps back into the world without a significant other, but it is possible to create a new direction. Over time, accepting a new reality may lead to better self-esteem and maybe a better outlook on life.
1. Remember That Your Are a Good Person. An important base of my self-esteem is knowing I am a good person and that I did the right thing or took the right path. In the case my marriage, I know that I tried my best and did nothing to wrong my ex. I even attempted reconciliation before calling it quits. Even when my ex was lying to me, I tried to be honest about where I stood. By doing the right thing, I have a clean conscience and know that I set a good example for my kids. To me, being a good person gave me inner strength. I hope that can hold true for others.
2. Be Honest with Yourself. When I found out that my ex was cheating, I went through receipts, emails, etc. to find evidence because my ex was never truthful with me. After I found proof, I knew exactly where I stood, my marriage stood and my ex stood. I was brutally honest with myself about the details because I knew that the chance of reconciling my marriage was slim. Then, after discovering professions of love to another woman in my ex's writings, I knew my marriage was over. I felt hurt and betrayed for months, but it was easier to move forward. Accepting the true situation made me realize I needed to take care of myself and my kids. I had a new reality of being a single mom, and I could not change this destiny.
3. Stay Optimistic, Especially on Depressing Days. Optimism is not easy, and self-help books at most will help get you started. Optimism is a state of mind that you regularly work on and live in, especially in rough times. I have read books like "The Road to Optimism: Change Your Language-Change Your Life!" by J. Mitchell Perry and "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. These books talk about different aspects of living a positive life, but I found it worth reading a few books on the subject. To get through tough this tough situation, I needed tools to cope. Positive thinking makes to road to a "recovery" easier--stay focussed on positive things in your life and do not dwell on the failed marriage. (I even read books by Ghandi and Thich Nhat Hanh to obtain different perspectives on humankind.)
4. You Still Have a Future, Just a Different One. Being separated or divorced is scary. It's a complete identity change. By accepting the singledom identity, I am learning to accept myself and my new future as a single woman and mother, just like college days--except for two young kids, a mortgage, etc. Well, it's not exactly the same, but I have gotten use to the idea. Not embraced the idea, just accepted it. I am looking at my future without my ex. He will be in the kids' lives, but not in mine.
5. If You Tried Reconciliation, Then You Gave Him or Her a Chance. Separation or divorce occurs for many reasons. If reconciliation is given an honest chance to succeed, then the outcome should not be a regret. Either the relationship works or it does not. Either way, an honest try should make both parties involved feel like there was a genuine effort to make things work. In my case, my ex went to marriage counseling and attempted to reconcile while keeping his girlfriend on the side. He lied when I asked him to drop the girlfriend, and he lied when he said he would not give her anymore gifts or money. To me, his dishonesty gave me no choice but to separate. I did however make my ex say he wanted a separation because there was no way he was going to come back years later and say I was the one who wanted a separation. I know this sounds hokey, but this happened to my friend's mother. I gave my ex a chance, but I do not think he wanted to reconcile. I gave my ex a chance and feel that separation was the right thing. I have no guilt or regrets.
It's difficult to accept a new identity and future path. Losing a marriage is a blow to self-esteem and can be a difficult hurdle to jump when re-building self-esteem. Fixating on what was lost however will not make the future any easier to accept. Taking small steps to re-build an identity and a different life will pay off over time. If there are kids, they will see this and learn from this example.
NOTE: I saw a therapist after I was separated. I had to watch my spending and could not go frequently, but the therapist helped me understand my situation. Therapists and support groups are amazing resources in times of need.
Coping with a Dying Marriage
Just a short time ago, my children and my ex were the center of my universe. I did not mind living in this limited world because these were the people I loved. When my ex became addicted to Everquest (EQ2) and started an affair with someone from Everquest, I was shocked. I knew my ex was depressed, but I had no idea how far astray he went from our life.
Through a two-and-a-half month period of trying to unsuccessfully reconcile with him, I was in so much pain that I knew I needed to make changes. He lied about dropping his affair and lied to his family and friends about his actions. He did nothing to change. For this reason, I decided to separate.
At first, I lost a few pounds, and my asthmatic symptoms were more frequent. I cried too much and knew I was grieving for lost marriage. I had the kids 95% of the time, so they at least kept me going.
My ex was callous about my feelings and was only concerned with himself. Talking to him about my feelings was not working. There was a wall I could not break. Our conversations were circular.
I ended up talking to my mom, my sister and a few good friends. My initial conversations focussed on what happened and was it possible to save my marriage. After e few weeks, the conversations shifted to how do I take care of myself and my kids without my ex. I switched my focus because I was going nowhere with my ex. It became a matter of self-preservation.
Leaving my marriage and starting over is the hardest thing thing I have ever done. I did not feel there was any other choice given my ex was continuing his affair. I also felt that I wanted my kids to have healthier relationship models in their lives. Having a father who cheats and spends all his free time at a computer is not a good role model in any marriage. I also left for myself. I knew that I was worthy of a better relationship. I am a good person with much to offer, so why should I be with someone who does not appreciate me or who verbally abuses me?
I am scared about the future and of being alone the rest of my life. I only wanted to be in a loving relationship where I am equal to and appreciated by my spouse. I only know that having no relationship is better than an abusive or neglectful relationship. I am worth more than that.
Through a two-and-a-half month period of trying to unsuccessfully reconcile with him, I was in so much pain that I knew I needed to make changes. He lied about dropping his affair and lied to his family and friends about his actions. He did nothing to change. For this reason, I decided to separate.
At first, I lost a few pounds, and my asthmatic symptoms were more frequent. I cried too much and knew I was grieving for lost marriage. I had the kids 95% of the time, so they at least kept me going.
My ex was callous about my feelings and was only concerned with himself. Talking to him about my feelings was not working. There was a wall I could not break. Our conversations were circular.
I ended up talking to my mom, my sister and a few good friends. My initial conversations focussed on what happened and was it possible to save my marriage. After e few weeks, the conversations shifted to how do I take care of myself and my kids without my ex. I switched my focus because I was going nowhere with my ex. It became a matter of self-preservation.
Leaving my marriage and starting over is the hardest thing thing I have ever done. I did not feel there was any other choice given my ex was continuing his affair. I also felt that I wanted my kids to have healthier relationship models in their lives. Having a father who cheats and spends all his free time at a computer is not a good role model in any marriage. I also left for myself. I knew that I was worthy of a better relationship. I am a good person with much to offer, so why should I be with someone who does not appreciate me or who verbally abuses me?
I am scared about the future and of being alone the rest of my life. I only wanted to be in a loving relationship where I am equal to and appreciated by my spouse. I only know that having no relationship is better than an abusive or neglectful relationship. I am worth more than that.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
5 Ways to be Civil
My ex and his ability to spend on his new girlfriend often leave me with no desire to be civil. I could care less that his girlfriend gets a new necklace or studs. I am more interested in sending my kids to a good pre-school or finding the right toy for my autistic son. Differences aside, I need to have some ground for civility because my ex does call or stop by to talk to the kids.
Over the past few months, I have found five ways to maintain civility. I won't be on the friendship boat with my ex anytime soon, but the seas are less turbulent when I keep a modicum of civility about.
1. Give advice on small things when sincerely asked. My ex does not seem to have any eye for detail. The other day, he asked about the nearest ice cream stores in our town. I told him about Baskin Robbins because he likes their shakes, and he could not believe he lived within walking distance of a Baskin Robbins. The store has been in the same location forever, but he just does not pay attention to his surroundings. By answering such a simple question about ice cream stores, I proved I could carry on some for of conversation without being cynical.
2. Do small favors from time to time. The other day my ex called and wanted help locating a business document in his files. I helped him search for a few minutes. He actually said thank you. This is a rare occurrence and meant that my help was acknowledged. I won't do any big favors since he's the one who decided to leave the marriage and in my book has lost the right to use me as a support in his life. I do however believe that small favors can go a long way to being building a base to communicate.
3. Plan the timing and place of where to discuss difficult topics. Since I am still in the process of formal separation, I occasionally need to discuss things like property separation issues. Because this is a painful subject and usually leads to an argument, I plan how and where to have a discussion. This usually helps to at least get my foot in the door on a difficult conversation before the door is slammed on my foot.
4. Don't always focus on who to blame when something goes wrong. About two weeks ago, my ex was playing rough with my kids, and my youngest smashed up his gums and chipped a front tooth. Instead of admonishing my ex for his lack of oversight, I focussed on asking questions about what happened. I was able to get enough detail about the accident to learn that my ex was careless, but more importantly I learned that the accident was minor. A dentist said my youngest son was okay, and I did not get the silent treatment or overprotective mommy label from my ex.
5. Some days, it's best not to say anything. A little more than two months ago, my ex unexpectedly took money that I was planning to use for paying bills. I suspect he gave the money to his girlfriend because he just can't seem to stop spending money on her. Anyway, I had to cut off all communications for a couple days and think about how to talk to him. I can't help him if he eventually spends himself into no money on his girlfriend, but I need to make sure his child support payments are there for the kids' needs. (It takes time to set up payroll garnishment and I need to do keep child support payments coming in the meantime.) A couple days of avoidance gave me time to cool down before opening Pandora's money box again.
Separation or divorce are just messy. It's often a "he said, she said" game with no winner at the end of the day. For me, a little civility just opens the door to the possibility of having a conversation.
Over the past few months, I have found five ways to maintain civility. I won't be on the friendship boat with my ex anytime soon, but the seas are less turbulent when I keep a modicum of civility about.
1. Give advice on small things when sincerely asked. My ex does not seem to have any eye for detail. The other day, he asked about the nearest ice cream stores in our town. I told him about Baskin Robbins because he likes their shakes, and he could not believe he lived within walking distance of a Baskin Robbins. The store has been in the same location forever, but he just does not pay attention to his surroundings. By answering such a simple question about ice cream stores, I proved I could carry on some for of conversation without being cynical.
2. Do small favors from time to time. The other day my ex called and wanted help locating a business document in his files. I helped him search for a few minutes. He actually said thank you. This is a rare occurrence and meant that my help was acknowledged. I won't do any big favors since he's the one who decided to leave the marriage and in my book has lost the right to use me as a support in his life. I do however believe that small favors can go a long way to being building a base to communicate.
3. Plan the timing and place of where to discuss difficult topics. Since I am still in the process of formal separation, I occasionally need to discuss things like property separation issues. Because this is a painful subject and usually leads to an argument, I plan how and where to have a discussion. This usually helps to at least get my foot in the door on a difficult conversation before the door is slammed on my foot.
4. Don't always focus on who to blame when something goes wrong. About two weeks ago, my ex was playing rough with my kids, and my youngest smashed up his gums and chipped a front tooth. Instead of admonishing my ex for his lack of oversight, I focussed on asking questions about what happened. I was able to get enough detail about the accident to learn that my ex was careless, but more importantly I learned that the accident was minor. A dentist said my youngest son was okay, and I did not get the silent treatment or overprotective mommy label from my ex.
5. Some days, it's best not to say anything. A little more than two months ago, my ex unexpectedly took money that I was planning to use for paying bills. I suspect he gave the money to his girlfriend because he just can't seem to stop spending money on her. Anyway, I had to cut off all communications for a couple days and think about how to talk to him. I can't help him if he eventually spends himself into no money on his girlfriend, but I need to make sure his child support payments are there for the kids' needs. (It takes time to set up payroll garnishment and I need to do keep child support payments coming in the meantime.) A couple days of avoidance gave me time to cool down before opening Pandora's money box again.
Separation or divorce are just messy. It's often a "he said, she said" game with no winner at the end of the day. For me, a little civility just opens the door to the possibility of having a conversation.
A Small Exercise in Civility Goes a Long Way
In my first posting to this blog, I said that "You don't have to like an ex, you just have to be civil." I occasionally forget to practice this advice when I bring up the past--another thing to avoid, but today I followed my advice. My ex called from New York and asked if I could search through his business files for an important document. Instead of telling him I wasn't his secretary or mother, I went ahead and searched through his files.
I really wanted to tell him that our separation means that I am not there for him and that he relinquished his rights to ask for help, but I bit my tongue. I spent a few minutes assisting him because I knew he had no else to help him . It is in these small instances that I can maintain some level of civility and prove that I am capable of being a bigger person than my ex for all his pettiness.
In following this advice, I put money in my relationship bank account and now have a little credit for some future date where I may not be as civil. For example, when I need my ex to pay his share of a future medical expense for one of the kids and he says no way, I have some leverage to convince him to listen to me. A little civility reduces the risk of my ex hanging up the phone. Being civil in little ways builds a bridge to the times when talking is not so easy.
I really wanted to tell him that our separation means that I am not there for him and that he relinquished his rights to ask for help, but I bit my tongue. I spent a few minutes assisting him because I knew he had no else to help him . It is in these small instances that I can maintain some level of civility and prove that I am capable of being a bigger person than my ex for all his pettiness.
In following this advice, I put money in my relationship bank account and now have a little credit for some future date where I may not be as civil. For example, when I need my ex to pay his share of a future medical expense for one of the kids and he says no way, I have some leverage to convince him to listen to me. A little civility reduces the risk of my ex hanging up the phone. Being civil in little ways builds a bridge to the times when talking is not so easy.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Having Trouble Dropping the Past
I am now seven months along in a separation from my ex and unlike being pregnant with a definitive due date, I just can't see the end of arguments about the past. Just today, I found out that my ex posted a picture of his girlfriend on Facebook. (She's a major reason for the separation.) In my humble opinion, this was just plain tacky. But aside from my opinion, my problem is that every time I discover some new thing about him, I end up more hurt. This in turn makes talking about any subject almost impossible. There is no safe topic--not even the weather.
Many negotiation and communication books offer loads of advice on the topic of improving communication between separated and divorced couples. One example of this advice is there is no right or wrong answer to the past. Each person has his or her own why's and how's about how a relationship failed. Many times, a person's opinion just can't be changed. In my case, I would interpret my ex's failure at marriage as his inability to tough out a special needs child and his overwhelming need to be self-important. My ex would say I let the relationship fail because I did not put him above my child. The advice of experts is helpful for self-introspection, but it often takes weeks, months, or years to sink in. As I said in the beginning, I just don't see the end even after seven months.
So in the meantime, I am trying my best to cope. I try to stay neutral when I talk to my ex on the phone. I don't talk negatively about my ex in front of the kids. I attempt to realize that I can't change my ex, even though I have known him for 15 years and he is now a mystery to me. This helps to some degree, but I still get stick in the rut of communicating my feelings and my side of the story, especially when I see hurtful things like the picture of my ex's girlfriend posted on his Facebook page.
Today, in response to my discovery of the girlfriend Facebook posting, I sent my ex an email through Facebook's "Send Message" feature. I sent a message that included the following excerpt,
I did not share the entire email, but my ex got my high-horse attitude, and he even called late at night to tell me he hid the girlfriend's picture so it's no longer public. He was annoyed at my email and bringing up his affair for the umpteenth time.
I hope someday that he grows up enough so that I can find some ground for talking to him again without arguments or hurt feelings. I hope that I can listen to experts and practice their advice. It's just not so easy to start.
Many negotiation and communication books offer loads of advice on the topic of improving communication between separated and divorced couples. One example of this advice is there is no right or wrong answer to the past. Each person has his or her own why's and how's about how a relationship failed. Many times, a person's opinion just can't be changed. In my case, I would interpret my ex's failure at marriage as his inability to tough out a special needs child and his overwhelming need to be self-important. My ex would say I let the relationship fail because I did not put him above my child. The advice of experts is helpful for self-introspection, but it often takes weeks, months, or years to sink in. As I said in the beginning, I just don't see the end even after seven months.
So in the meantime, I am trying my best to cope. I try to stay neutral when I talk to my ex on the phone. I don't talk negatively about my ex in front of the kids. I attempt to realize that I can't change my ex, even though I have known him for 15 years and he is now a mystery to me. This helps to some degree, but I still get stick in the rut of communicating my feelings and my side of the story, especially when I see hurtful things like the picture of my ex's girlfriend posted on his Facebook page.
Today, in response to my discovery of the girlfriend Facebook posting, I sent my ex an email through Facebook's "Send Message" feature. I sent a message that included the following excerpt,
"I can not change the outcome of his actions--carpe diem is his mantra. I do however have the power to look after two beautiful children who love unconditionally and bring me joy everyday. I can foster the growth of two young boys into becoming two good men who will put others' needs in the same league as their own needs. I can hope that when my sons become fathers that they understand the word commitment and sacrifice even in the most difficult times.
Rock on carpe diem. Go on and count the increasing number of virtual friends on Facebook to feel self-important. Talk about "complicated" relationships with people who may only care about you for your money. Take the easy path through life instead of toughing it out and seeing the big picture beyond next month, next year. At the end of the day, kids and family are life's real support and source of strength--the ones who support you, stick with with you and remember you. They are not just a virtual experience."
I did not share the entire email, but my ex got my high-horse attitude, and he even called late at night to tell me he hid the girlfriend's picture so it's no longer public. He was annoyed at my email and bringing up his affair for the umpteenth time.
I hope someday that he grows up enough so that I can find some ground for talking to him again without arguments or hurt feelings. I hope that I can listen to experts and practice their advice. It's just not so easy to start.
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