Sometimes I Fear My Ex

While I was married, I started noticing disturbing behaviors in my ex. At first, it was occasional depression. My ex would become moody and sequester himself in front of some new video game. Over time, his displays of happiness disappeared and he rarely talked to me for more than a few minutes. This change took place over the course of three years and was gradual. Sometimes there were weeks of happiness, but for the most part there were months of despair or neutrality.

It may seem odd that I sometimes fear my ex since he has only verbally abused or criticized me over the years, but after the Scott Peterson incident, I see similarities in my ex and hope that he does not go off the deep end.

My ex is at the point where he is seriously involved with a woman who does not even live in the same country. He loves to spend money and part of his spending is for gifts to his girlfriend. Unfortunately for him, he has two young children that will require financial support for many years to come. This requirement interferes with his desired lifestyle. I don't know what he has told his girlfriend about himself, but when money goes missing from the occasional paycheck, it is usually because he has spent money on his girlfriend. (Sadly, I am still waiting for a judge to rule on my child custody agreement and have to suffer from begging for money from my ex in the meantime.)

I believe my ex loves his children, but I do not know trust his commitment to them when his girlfriend is the most important person in his life. Furthermore, I feel that he would be willing to sacrifice his relationship with his children if he could have a life with his girlfriend. I just do not know how far he will go to get what he wants.

Having to potentially make trade-offs in his life is what what scares me. As my ex once said, "I want what I want." I hope that harming me or my children is not part of any plan.

I have no proof that my ex is planning to do something harmful, but I have seen his temper over the years and his use of force (e.g., hitting) as his first means of punishment for my dogs and my children. I have also seen an increasing level of erratic and secretive behavior over the past few months. My hope is that I am an excessive worrier and that my relationship with my ex will relax one day,

Five Tips To A Successful Family Outing with the Ex

My ex came over today for our regular Sunday outing with the kids. I planned a simple afternoon at the park and followed by a short drive. Overall, the kids had fun, and I was able to tolerate the day without my ex saying he wanted to leave before the outing even started. I sometimes wonder why I plan events when my ex is stressful to be around, but then I think of the kids. The kids need some sort of regular family experience.

These outings are often stressful for many reasons. The legal paperwork for my separation is not yet finalized. Worse yet, my ex occasionally talks about his girlfriend. (This girlfriend was originally his mistress.) Today, for example, my ex said I should do what his girlfriend does with her kid--teach my kids to swim without formal lessons. This advice is not necessarily wrong. I just do not want to hear about the girlfriend. To deal with the stress, I have attempted to organize family outings using the following guidelines:

1. Leave home. To me, home places an added level of stress on being with my ex. The stress can stem from past memories or from the kids getting distracted with their toys and avoiding their dad. Leaving home offers the chance to find neutral ground.

2. Keep outings structured. It's easier for me to make it through an outing if I have a plan. A plan can be as simple as a walk to the park and then a trip to Starbucks. A plan also has the added benefit of keeping my ex informed of the day's events. If he does not like something, I find it's easy to make a change. From the moment I meet my ex to end of the outing, I keep surprises to a minimum.

3. Go somewhere that's for the kids. I try to look for outings where the kids will be engaged. If the kids are running around or exploring different environments, my ex and I don't spend as much time in awkward silence. The type of silence, for example, that leads my ex to talking about how he needs to get his body fat down from 22% to 20%. The best activities for an outing keep my ex and I moving throughout the entire outing.

4. Put a time limit on the outing. My outings are generally two to four hours in length. By constraining the time, I know there is an end. It makes it easier for me to relax and feel less trapped. Sometimes the outings are shorter or longer, but the time limit does wonders for my own morale. I am only four months out of my separation, so I strive to balance family time against the desire to keep my distance.

5. Keep discussions limited to neutral subjects. I don't have much in common with my ex anymore. He plays online gaming 30 to 40 hours a week after he works while I am on full-time kid duty with two babies. Despite these differences, we are able to talk about family, common friends, health, etc. These neutral topics help the family outing last for a reasonable length of time. Once a sensitive topic is broached (e.g., why my ex was dating and not letting me know he had marital issues) however, the outing is often cut short. I try to keep sensitive topics outside of family time.

For me, the Sunday outings are necessary. I want the kids to know they have mommy and daddy in their lives. I also don't want the kids growing up with the idea that they caused the family break-up.

This is the most painful commitment I have to honor every week, so I organize outings to stay positive and manage my stress at the same time. Oddly enough, my ex now spends more time with the kids than when we were together.