Monday, August 6, 2007

Sometimes I Fear My Ex

While I was married, I started noticing disturbing behaviors in my ex. At first, it was occasional depression. My ex would become moody and sequester himself in front of some new video game. Over time, his displays of happiness disappeared and he rarely talked to me for more than a few minutes. This change took place over the course of three years and was gradual. Sometimes there were weeks of happiness, but for the most part there were months of despair or neutrality.

It may seem odd that I sometimes fear my ex since he has only verbally abused or criticized me over the years, but after the Scott Peterson incident, I see similarities in my ex and hope that he does not go off the deep end.

My ex is at the point where he is seriously involved with a woman who does not even live in the same country. He loves to spend money and part of his spending is for gifts to his girlfriend. Unfortunately for him, he has two young children that will require financial support for many years to come. This requirement interferes with his desired lifestyle. I don't know what he has told his girlfriend about himself, but when money goes missing from the occasional paycheck, it is usually because he has spent money on his girlfriend. (Sadly, I am still waiting for a judge to rule on my child custody agreement and have to suffer from begging for money from my ex in the meantime.)

I believe my ex loves his children, but I do not know trust his commitment to them when his girlfriend is the most important person in his life. Furthermore, I feel that he would be willing to sacrifice his relationship with his children if he could have a life with his girlfriend. I just do not know how far he will go to get what he wants.

Having to potentially make trade-offs in his life is what what scares me. As my ex once said, "I want what I want." I hope that harming me or my children is not part of any plan.

I have no proof that my ex is planning to do something harmful, but I have seen his temper over the years and his use of force (e.g., hitting) as his first means of punishment for my dogs and my children. I have also seen an increasing level of erratic and secretive behavior over the past few months. My hope is that I am an excessive worrier and that my relationship with my ex will relax one day,

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