Every time my ex and I argue about money, he tells me that if he loses his job, then I'm off the gravy train. He seems to think that child support is optional and that I am a freeloader to his benevolence. I just do not think he will ever get over the idea that he can't live at his desired standard of living because he has to pay child support. I also don't think that he feels the same obligation as other parents when it comes to supporting his children.
Paying child support is no easy task. Imagine giving money to someone else after spending hours at a job. Think about living at a reduced standard of living and having little money to save. And the kicker is that this can go on for eighteen years. It takes a strong reality pill to adjust to these circumstances and to find a mindset where child support is acceptable.
I am on the receiving end of child support and I do appreciate the tough life-adjustments resulting from child support. For the past few months, I have taken less than our agreed upon amount because I wanted to help my ex get started in his new life.
But in the time I have been helping him, he has become bitter toward me and sometimes even hostile. My willingness to help through our transition to living in different homes has cost me sleep and money that I need to support two kids-one a special needs kid. I have come to the conclusion that I just need a new arrangement on child support where I do not help him at all. If my ex had a different attitude and would work with me, I would continue to return the favor of helping him. But his lack of change has made this possibility a moot point.
Showing posts with label differences parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label differences parenting. Show all posts
Monday, October 1, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Disagreement on parenting can make a relationship fail
My marriage started to fade soon after my first son was born. He was a beautiful and apparently typical child during his early months of development, so all seemed fine when he first arrived in the world--well, except for my ex's child-rearing capabilities. My ex thought that putting my son in a playpen in front of the TV or putting him in a crib with a bottle was the answer to most of my son's needs. I often disagreed with this viewpoint, and it became a source of contention in our marriage.
My ex's desire to have children quickly faded after my oldest son turned one. He had no desire to do activities that took time like swim lessons. He also would pull out jars of baby food instead of preparing a meal. He preferred to spend time on video games or movies. I became frustrated because my belief was that children needed ongoing interaction and attention. I did not believe in quick fixes like TV for playtime.
I am thankful that my mom was around to stay with my son while I was working full-time because she took my oldest son out for walks or trips to the park. She spent hours constantly watching him, interacting with him, and eventually noticing that something about him was just not right--my oldest son was eventually diagnosed with autism.
My ex wanted kids, but was not into kids. My perspective is that he wanted kids like he wanted all the toys in his life--things there for his amusement. He rarely spent time interacting with the kids, just patting them on the head in passing. I think his desire to fulfill an idea placed him into a predicament of choosing between himself and children. He did not want to make space in his life for kids.
My ex and I still have enormous differences on how to raise children. For example, my ex is a believer in letting kids run free in a highly unstructured environment while I believe in structure. These differences were the nails in the coffin of our marriage.
Had I known my ex's positions on raising children, I would not have had children with my ex. He just does not understand kids, and I can't explain them to him. Liking the idea of kids is a far cry from the daily reality of raising kids. I would recommend to other parents or would-be-parents to explore parental viewpoints before kids come along because it will be easier to make decisions together when the time comes.
My ex's desire to have children quickly faded after my oldest son turned one. He had no desire to do activities that took time like swim lessons. He also would pull out jars of baby food instead of preparing a meal. He preferred to spend time on video games or movies. I became frustrated because my belief was that children needed ongoing interaction and attention. I did not believe in quick fixes like TV for playtime.
I am thankful that my mom was around to stay with my son while I was working full-time because she took my oldest son out for walks or trips to the park. She spent hours constantly watching him, interacting with him, and eventually noticing that something about him was just not right--my oldest son was eventually diagnosed with autism.
My ex wanted kids, but was not into kids. My perspective is that he wanted kids like he wanted all the toys in his life--things there for his amusement. He rarely spent time interacting with the kids, just patting them on the head in passing. I think his desire to fulfill an idea placed him into a predicament of choosing between himself and children. He did not want to make space in his life for kids.
My ex and I still have enormous differences on how to raise children. For example, my ex is a believer in letting kids run free in a highly unstructured environment while I believe in structure. These differences were the nails in the coffin of our marriage.
Had I known my ex's positions on raising children, I would not have had children with my ex. He just does not understand kids, and I can't explain them to him. Liking the idea of kids is a far cry from the daily reality of raising kids. I would recommend to other parents or would-be-parents to explore parental viewpoints before kids come along because it will be easier to make decisions together when the time comes.
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